Game of Thrones: The Game has got me worried

I am not a trusted scholar and saucebox of all things A Song of Ice and Fire. Sure, I love the books immensely, am a big fan of HBO’s take on blood and dragons and heraldy and fine-ass beards, and am a dude that’s attempting to draw just about every character ever named by George R.R. Martin–but I don’t know everything. However, I do know that there’s no place called Riverspring in Westeros. Except, thanks to the forthcoming Game of Thrones: The Game (ugh, what a name), now there is. Here’s how the developers describe it:

Bordering the Riverlands, the interests of this town and surrounding countryside are held in the name of Sarwyck as bannermen to the Lannisters. From their family keep, they have presided over their people for generations, but now unrest begins to grow in wake of the death of the reigning Lord Raynard Sarwyck.

All right. That’s believable enough, given just how many houses, big and small, there are, and the Lannisters do have a lot of support. And Sarwyck is a fine, Martin-esque name, but I got problems with Riverspring. Here’s why. In Fallout: New Vegas, upon emerging from a premature shallow grave, you discover the town of Goodsprings. In Rage, the first true city you come to call home is Wellspring. EverQuest fans might remember a halfling city called Rivervale. In The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, after stepping out of a cave, so long as you follow the path, the first settlement you unearth is called Riverwood. And in…y’know, I’m just going to list all of these forgettable names in bullet format to really drive home the point:

• Goodsprings
• Wellspring
• Rivervale
• Riverwood
• Riverspring

The videogames market is currently inundated with spring places, and yes, pun freakin’ intended. Also, don’t forget about Riverrun, the ancestral stronghold of House Tully. The place that actually matters. But yeah, I get that the devs wanted to A) create a new location to do with whatever they wanted and B) keep it in line with Martin’s naming schematics, but seven hells, they picked the most generic thing ever. I think if I ever make a robust RPG set in a typical fantasy land, the first town I name will be called Good Riverwater Springs. You heard it here first, people.

Okay, fine. I have problems with Riverspring and just how little it adds to a world brimming with detail and construction. Moving on, thanks to Greg Noe, a new trailer has hit the Interwebz:

Wow. Look, no one–and I do mean no one–is playing Game of Thrones: The Game for its story. You just can’t outdo or even come close to the story-telling power of GRRM, so don’t bother trying. Instead, give us the goods on the videogaming side. Make it fun to play, fun to swing a sword or dabble in seedy politics or create some kind of unique dialogue tree system, but don’t pretend to be all high and mighty. This trailer tries to sound exciting, but even the narrator sounds bored–and rightly so. I’d rather see how the game will play, whether it will be more like Dragon Age: Origins or Dragon Age II, as that difference is vital. Certainly it won’t be anything original, but if it is closer to DA:O then I’m in. If it’s DAII…well, I’m probably still in as I am a huge fanboy of the source material, but man, it’s just going to be one letdown after the other. Granted, there still seems to be a second storyline to follow based around the Wall and the Night’s Watch. Maybe that tale will be more inspiring.

A release date of May 2012 is being tossed around. I’ll be keeping an eye out for more details before I take the black. Ugh. Between this, that RTS flop from Cyanide Studio, and an upcoming MMORPG, it just doesn’t seem like A Song of Ice and Fire can get the videogame treatment it truly deserves. At this point, I’d be down for something like this.

Games Completed in 2011, #38 – Half-Life 2: Episode One

Much to my disliking, I was unable to finish Half-Life 2 due to an annoying switch glitch, and had to move on to the next adventure in the series in a non-traditional manner, with large gaps jumped and story bits left behind. Upon starting Half-Life 2: Episode One, I was pretty confused plot-wise and spent the first hour or so trying to piece everything back together, much like Gordon and Alyx were doing in-game.

However, I think that was my favorite aspect of this bite-sized experience. Not that it was straighter, stronger, and had less driving sequences, but that it paired Gordon and Alyx together for nearly the whole time, and she’s one of the better AI companions I’ve had the pleasure of working with. Her dialogue is believable and delivered emotionally, and it made going forward a less lonesome affair. Plus, y’know…appropriately punny jokes. A digital woman after my own heart. Gameplay still involves shooting enemies until they fall down and solving some light puzzles, mostly involving the Gravity Gun. It’s all very polished, much like in the former Half-Life 2, but just condensed into a nicer-sized package, perfect for running through in a single afternoon.

I think it took me about four hours to complete Half-Life 2: Episode One, and those four hours were amazingly strong, save for a tiring elevator sequence that saw me trying and trying and trying over again to not let falling debris crush Alyx and Gordon to death. Eventually I solved it, but man–it took a handful of attempts. Otherwise, it’s generally clear where to go and what to do next, something I’ve struggled with in Valve’s games up to this point.

At some point, I’ll give Half-Life 2: Episode Two a spin. And maybe even see if I can get past that broken switch in the larger, original game. Maybe. I dunno. I really don’t want to play the majority of that game again, naming the driving sequences and shooting down those attack choppers. Seeing as the Internet is constantly salivating over any and every slip about Half-Life 2: Episode Three/Half-Life 3, of which are constantly turning out to be red herrings, I’m in no rush.

Also, this is the final videogame I completed in 2011, bringing the total number to thirty-eight. Not too shabby, I guess.

About time I got my slime on with Dragon Quest Monsters: Joker

I finally got to play a bit of Dragon Quest Monsters: Joker last night despite purchasing the game a couple weeks ago. That seems to happen a lot with Nintendo DS titles for me. I buy them…and then don’t play them for a bit. I think it’s because I’m less excited to play my portable gaming device when in my own home, as I consider it more of a traveling thing, a road-side companion, a portal that helps pass time. Also, DQM: J was an impulse buy, something I picked up while waiting for Bullet to get an oil change; it’s not like I’ve been dying to try it out, just figured it would be interesting to see how it compared against its forefather, the mighty Pokémon franchise.

From what I’ve seen so far, there’s more visible depth in DQM: J than, say, Pokémon White. The key word is visible. We’ve all heard about the crazy amount of stats and breeding spreadsheets and EV madness and so on for those pocket monsters, but a good majority of that is behind the curtain. You have to go online and read. For DQM: J, it’s all right there. Stats, weapons, learning abilities, and what’s next for your mischievous mole or platypunk. There’s even a monster synthesis option, allowing you to fuse two monsters together in hopes of creating a better fighter. I like that, even if there’s not much I can do yet with my two-monster team. Hopefully things really open up after Infant Isle, and I can focus on grinding my team into something truly monstrous.

Also, while I love the classic sounds and elements from many of the Dragon Quest games…do they constantly need to get reused over and over? Dragon Quest Heroes: Rocket Slime, Dragon Quest IX, Dragon Quest Wars, this –they all sound exactly the same. Granted, catchy tunes and soundbits, but not after the eightieth time. Save for the level up tune. That one always warms my cockles.

Anyways, I took notes of my first half-hour playing DQM: J. You’ll be able to read what kind of crazy adventures I got into with our young monster trainer Hodor over at The First Hour. Um , soonish. Just gotta, uh, type up my hand-written notes–scribbles, truly–and clean up the review. Not to get too spoilery, but the last two minutes are basically me channeling Darth Vader. Yup. Until then, goo luck scouting those slimes!

Games Completed in 2011, #25 – Yard Sale Hidden Treasures: Sunnyville

It might not look like it, but this is going to be a sad Grinding Down post.

Yard Sale Hidden Treasures: Sunnyville, from what I can tell, is one of the last games my mother got to play on her Nintendo DS before she passed away this past December. I remember the day Tara, my sister Bitsy, and I went out searching for Sunnyville at Momma Dukes’ request; we had to even ask the GameStop employee if he had any clue of its existence as I couldn’t find it among the thousands on the shelves. Somehow, he did though, and we got it for her, knowing that it, at the bare least, was a bit of light and distraction during chemotherapy. It’s not a great, amazing game, but it is of the ilk that she loved: finding hidden objects. Her collection has several others from this breed, and she always devoured them within a few days, and then I’d play them after her, and we’d make fun of the lame attempt to add a story to these things and just agree that finding random objects on a random photo brimming with randomness would be more than enough.

And that all basically applies with Sunnyville, too. It’s attempt at a story is modest, but still hilariously unnecessary: you’ve just moved into the neighborhood, into a very empty house, and you decide to scour your neighbors’ yard sales for key items to spruce up your house and possibly win the Superstar Homes magazine contest. And that’s what you do. Go to a neighbor’s house, find items on a list, eventually whittling it down to one or two pivotal ones, find those, and move on. Once you’ve got enough room dressing to complete a section of your house, you’ll see a “before and after” shot of the room, rest up for the night, and start all over again the next day. You need to complete eight rooms, which takes eight days, which really takes…I don’t know. I played this game with little drive, here and there, finding a few items during my lunch break and so forth. My Nintendo 3DS says I logged just under 3 hours in the game; that sounds about right.

My mother played Sunnyville twice, completing it fully both times. I know this because of the three save slots available, two are in her name. I’m not sure if a second playthrough is any more different than the first. I’m glad she got a lot out of it though. Once she was finished with Sunnyille, she passed it along to my wife, Tara, with a short, hand-written note:

Sigh.

Naturally, I miss my mom. Playing this game didn’t do anything to lessen the hurting in my heart; it only allowed me to follow in her proverbial touchscreen taps, relax with a game that helped her relax, escape elsewhere momentarily. Again, not a great game, but one I’m emotionally connected with, hung up on. Would sure love to know what Momma Dukes thought about all the punny names for the neighbors as they got me to even groan every now and then. I can’t wait to see her again.

GAMES I REGRET PARTING WITH: Bubsy in Claws Encounters of the Furred Kind

The 1990s were a crazy time. I mean, two of the biggest mascots were a plumber and an anthromorphic hedgehog with super speed. And gaming companies left and right were vying for their own position in mascot mecca. Some faired better than others. Remember Rocky Rodent? Chester Cheetah? Boogerman? Cool Spot? For your sake, I surely hope you don’t.

Accolade, Inc. entered the mascot gauntlet in 1993 with Bubsy, a bobcat that…uh, was full of catchphrases and snark. Starring in the awkwardly titled Bubsy in Claws Encounters of the Furred Kind, the bouncy bobcat is on a mission to stop a race of fabric-stealing aliens called “Woolies”; they have stolen the world’s yarn ball supply, but more vital is that they stole Bubsy’s personal collection, the largest yet to be seen. Yes, we all know cats love balls of yarn. However, Bubsy is a bobcat, and I think they like to maul small animals. Just a minor difference in the end.

Bubsy in Claws Encounters of the Furred Kind takes place over five unique worlds, each with three levels. The Woolies and accompanying enemies change their look with each world, but otherwise the gameplay remains the same: a lot of platforming. World 1 is sort of a generic homelands, focusing on houses and water slides and underground tunnels. World 2 is an amusement park. World 3 stars a train in the Wild West setting. World 4 is something akin to national wildlife park, with trees being chopped down and gysers spouting. And naturally, World 5 takes place in outer space.

My least fond, but most strongest memories from adventuring with Bubsy are  1) that he would just not shut up and 2) that the game’s soundtrack was a bit of mess. First, let’s talk about talking. At the beginning of every level, Bubsy made an attempt at being cute or catchy. Here, check ’em all out:

• What could possibly go wrong? – Cheesewheels of Doom
• Did I mention I don’t like heights? – Forbidden Plummet
• More like a bridge too short. – A Bridge Too Fur
• Hey, whatever blows your hair back! – Fair Conditioning
• Hey, I thought I saw Elvis back there! – Night of the Bobcat
• Shouldn’t that be ‘fearless’? Uh-oh… – Our Furless Leader
• Well, it worked for Clint. – The Good, The Bad and the Woolies
• Go ahead, make my day! – A Fistful of Yarn
• My contract does not mention pain! – Dances with Woolies
• Hey, I didn’t write this stuff!!! – Beavery Careful
• Next time, I get a stunt-cat! – Rock around the Croc
• Is there a veternarian in the audience? – Claws for Alarm
• That’s it! I’m outta here! You can’t make me. – Eye of the Bobcat
• What, and give up show business? – No Time for Paws
• Somebody dial 911!!! – Lethal Woolie
• Whoah, are you still playing this thing?! – A Farewell to Woolies

Man, look at all those puns. Really, I’m not against them. As a writer, I’m bound by an unwritten law to at least admire puns. However, hearing Bubsy constantly crank out these sayings can really drive one batty. Especially since, back then, I never got past the second world (at least that I can recall), that meant hearing the first five or six sayings over and over again. Go ahead and say “What could possibly go wrong?” in a really nasily voice ten times in a row and then tell me you love life.

Now for the music. It was bubbly and erratic, and suffered greatly from changing tones on the drop of a dime. For example, Bubsy is just bouncy along, collecting yarn to some chippy tunes when all of sudden he’s fallen into a waterslide part, and the soundtrack changes dramatically to the ilk often used to represent TOTAL DOOM. The strange thing is that hopping out of the waterslide does not deter the music, and it will continue to follow Bubsy until the game believes all is well in Woolieland.

That said, I really did love platforming with Bubsy. Bouncing really high into the air in any level and then floating down to the unknown was always thrilling. In fact, it’s one of the very first things you can do in the game, using a tree’s branch at the opening screen to shoot directly into the sky. Sometimes you’d land safely on the ground; sometimes you’d drift over to a secret area full of collectible yarn balls; and sometimes you’d fall into an open slice of water to drown. Bobcats can’t swim. It’s true, just ask Animal Planet. I also loved all the hidden areas and ways to move forward, like using the interlinked cave system or simply running forward. The graphics were extremely colorful and fun, offering a variety of enemies and items to go along with each world’s setting. It taught me a good amount about judging jumps and taking chances.

Alas, finding an actual SNES copy is probably pretty hard. And after the trainwreck that was Bubsy 3D, the franchise fizzled and was forcibly forgotten by all involved. There’s not even a downloadable version available via the Nintendo Wii. To answer Bubsy’s question from the very last level of the game, no. Sadly, I’m not.

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GAMES I REGRET PARTING WITH is a regular feature here at Grinding Down where I reminisce about videogames I either sold or traded in when I was young and dumb. To read up on other games I parted with, follow the tag.

So many slimes to save, so little time

Actually, out of the 100 slimes to save in Dragon Quest Heroes: Rocket Slime, I need to only rescue 25 more at this point. Which is awesome because that means I’m this much closer to clearing up a spot in my travel case for Radiant Historia. And that gives me hope that, yes, I can do this…I can actually finish some of the videogames I buy before moving on to (possibly not) finish new games I buy. It’s a vicious cycle, I know.

Right. Anyways…Boingburg. It’s definitely looking a lot prettier now that it is a bustling city-state again, full of friends and enemies-turned-friends. Only 25 captured slimes left to rescue. Easy peasy, especially now that Rocket Slime can charge through crystal walls. Do your worst, Flucifer’s Necropolis. The only part I’m a little worried about is the inevitable upcoming big boss tank battles; I did two minor tank battles in a row the other night, and my left hand felt crippled and sore, tired of constantly moving Rocket Slime from room to room to gather ammo. I swear, my thumb NEVER left the d-pad once for both battles, and each one was probably over five minutes long. Wah. Someone get me a Batman bandaid. I do wish the developers had realized how useful the stylus and touchscreen can be, but this game was released way-back-when in late 2006, and that was actually before many people knew how to utilize the system’s software.

Naturally, I’ll be talking more about the game when I’ve completed it. And there’s a lot to discuss actually, from puns to the constant staples from every Dragon Quest game ever, to the humor of it all, as well as the crazy tanks. Dragon Quest Heroes: Rocket Slime is definitely one of those cases where I bought the game cheap and was rewarded greatly for doing so.

All right, slimes! Let’s goo! I mean…go.

Games Completed in 2011, #1 – Dead Rising 2: Case Zero

Developers: Capcom, Blue Castle Games
Publisher: Capcom
Platform: Xbox 360 exclusive
Genres: Action adventure, zombie slaying, survival horror
Modes: Single-player
Hours clocked: Roughly four to five

A five dollar videogame doesn’t sound like a good thing. I mean, I’m imagining getting something like this or this or even this for such a low price. I did not, in all honesty, expect to get something good, something fun–a game I’d replay three times without blinking an eye. And that’s Dead Rising 2: Case Zero for you, a bite-size Dead Rising 2 experience that does a great job of fleshing (puns intended!) out the gameplay mechanics of its bigger brother, as well as supplying its own unique story, location, and set of characters.

The hero of Dead Rising 2: Case Zero is Chuck Greene, a former motocross champion, and every hero has its loser counterpart, and we’ll call her Katey. That’s his daughter, and she’s sick from a motherly zombie bite, forcing him to scrounge for Zombrex to keep her human and alive long enough until he can figure out a more final solution to his daughter’s problems. The game takes place three years before the events of Dead Rising 2 in a town called Still Creek, which is brimming with the undead. Unfortunately, Chuck and Katey get stranded there, and his mission is to fix a broken motorcycle, keep Katey alive, save the town’s citizens, kill some zombies via inhumane weapons, and get out safe and sound with his daughter. This has to all happen within the time limit of one day, or else the military will arrive and take his daughter away to be, and I’m assuming here, beheaded and burned like the little zombie kids all are.

Bad news for Katey as this time limit took me by surprise, and I was unable to do the needful before the military came to steal her away. This earned me Ending D. What’s really nice is that when you “beat” the game, as I clearly did the first time around, you can replay it with all earned money, stats, combo cards, and Chuck’s PP saved. New game+ is always a good thing. Anyways, this helped greatly with my second playthrough, earning me Ending A. I then romped around Still Creek for a third time to mop up some Achievements, and this third playthrough was unique in that I actually got to experience saving the town’s citizens. Also, all PP is transferable for those moving on to Dead Rising 2.

However, most likely, I won’t be moving on to Dead Rising 2. Or the original Dead Rising. Or even Dead Rising 2: Case West. This “paid demo” experience was more than enough for me, and I had a lot of fun whacking zombies with spiked bats/throwing casino poker chips in their faces, but overall the gameplay would most likely get stale for me. I mean, there’s only so many ways to skin a cat  kill a zombie, and between that and the frustrating time limit/save system, I just don’t think a full zombie release is my cup of tea.

But yeah, for five bucks…or 400 Microsoft Points if you like to speak the language of global corporation domination. It’s worth it. So, instead of buying a sandwich from Quick Chek/WaWa/wherever today, I heartedly recommend downloading Dead Rising 2: Case Zero, and that’s saying a lot because I absolutely love sandwichs.

REVIEW: Samorost 2

Developer/Publisher: Amanita Design
Platform: Mac OS X [reviewed], Windows, Linux
Genre(s): Point-and-click puzzler
Mode(s): Single player
Rating: ESRB: No idea, but it was fairly harmless and I’d guess something like E for Everyone
Time clocked: Around one hour

Sadly, I had to pack up the Xbox 360 and TV yesterday as my father came up to help me move from one apartment to the next. He was, however, running late, and I had about two hours to kill in a room full of boxes and nothing fun to play with (please keep your dirty thoughts to yourself). Sure, sure, I had my Nintendo DS, but that was kind of tucked away in my travel bag, and I just didn’t feel like getting off my Mac at that point. Then, ashamed, I remembered that I got five six games for my laptop back when I purchased the Humble Indie Bundle. Five main ones, and the sixth one, Samorost 2, was a bonus for those that helped contribue to the cause.

And so I scanned the list, trying to decide what to play for a bit. I dismissed World of Goo because I’m stuck on one level and can’t do anything else, as well as Aquaria, which is a game I like, but I really need to be in a mood to play. Finally, I picked Samorost 2, knowing nothing about it, only finding the name intriguing.

Samorost 2 is, obviously, a sequel, a follow-up to a game I’ve never played, but from what I can gather–that’s okay. You can go into Samorost 2 knowing nothing about it and still have a great time. The game opens up with a couple of aliens landing on a small planet, eating some fruit, and then stealing a strange little man’s dog because it was barking a little too much. The little man, referenced on another website as a space gnome, doesn’t change out of his PJs and follows their spaceship in pursuit of his best friend. And that’s the plot: rescue the dog and return home. It’s simple, but it works, and the world and creatures and mechanisms that revolve around the plot help buffer it along.

And man, what a beautiful world it is. The quality of the visuals is striking; the space gnome, his dog, and alien lifeforms are presented in a cartoonish form, but animated very well, giving off a Monty Python’s Flying Circus feel to it. The backgrounds (and foregrounds) on each level are extremely detailed and colorful, with a variety of alien flora and fauna (pun-intended) to enjoy, all done in a collage kind of way.

Gameplay is point-and-click, and the cursor turns into a hand when hovering over an item or part of the level that can be interacted with. Breaking tradition, there’s no inventory system, meaning if the space gnome picks up an item, it can–and must–be used there and then to solve the puzzle and move forward. This is a good thing in my opinion; I’ve been currently carrying around a lot of the same items in Broken Sword: The Shadows of the Templars, and each time I try to use them I fall flat on my face. Stupid elephant carving. Anyways, yeah. You point, you click, something happens. Sometimes you have to point, click, and click again while something is happening, but it’s pretty easy to figure out if you pay attention to the level and what does what. There were only two times where I got stuck. The first was because I just couldn’t find the exact pixel to click on, which was frustrating, and the second time came at Samorost 2‘s end when you have to do a bunch of things in a very specific order or start all over again. I did those final puzzles three times before I got it right.

Samorost 2 features a very odd, atmospheric soundtrack. Some levels have just tiny bits of music to it, some have none at all. It works well, but ultimately it’s forgettable. Also absent…dialogue. Progression and plot is told visually, and again, it boils down to “rescue dog and return home.” Some alien gruntage and a few doggy barks pepper the landscape, but it really doesn’t need a narrator or the space gnome’s opinionated musings. Though I still don’t understand why the alien monster is watching soccer on his TV.

Alas, Samorost 2‘s biggest fault is that it is a very short game. Even shorter than Limbo…dun dun dunnn. Consisting of seven levels, all of which are re-accessable via an age-old password system, the game’s running time is estimated between one and two hours, depending how stuck you get or how slow you pace yourself. I gobbled the game up very fast though. It’s extremely charming, stylish, and deceptively tricky. There’s an invisible rope attached to your heart, tugging you forward, and when you reach the next room, you just can’t help but click around, and before you know it, you’re in the next room. And so on, and so on. If you got some time to kill, I definitely recommend it. You can play a good portion of the game for free over at its website. Hop to it, young space gnome wannabes!

Scott, if your life had a face, I’d punch it and gain XP

Yesterday, after work, Tara and I went looking for apartments. Cause, more than likely, we’re gonna need a place to live after we get married. The one we saw is decent; it’s old and old-like, and it has these slanted ceilings to it because it’s basically the third floor, and these slanted ceilings are going to do battle with me and my head. Tara will be fine; she’s a short thing. But yeah, the timing of things to come and the constant worry of money and/or lack of money…well, it hit us hard with The Stress. Thankfully, I knew that once I got back to my pad that there’d be a light of happiness and distraction. See, Scott Pilgrim VS. The World: The Game hit Xbox Live just yesterday. Sure, those Playstationheads have already got to enjoy it now for a week, but I’ve had to bide my time accordingly. Not like I have things to do or anything. ::ahem::

So, this game…it’s hard. And it sounds beautiful. And the animations are top-notch. And I died a lot as Kim, and I could only beat Ramona’s first evil ex as a level 4 Scott. And I spent almost all of my money on sushi. And I love the references to all things O’Malley like the Kupek graffiti or seeing Lost at Sea in the bookstore. It’s Scott Pilgrim the Game, through and through.

One thing I don’t like though is how it controls, but the majority of that blame falls upon the Xbox 360’s controller. The left analog stick does not allow for quick side-stepping and yet the d-pad below it is not in the best place for this kind of button-mashing game. My thumb’s natural instinct is to go to the analog stick, and this leads to many faulty moves. And I don’t think I ever hit the block button once, but maybe I should rethink that considering how beat up Kim got.

Managed to snag three Achievements though:

Dirty Trick (10G): Defeated an enemy by throwing an object at him while he was already down.

Shopaholic (20G): Bought all the items of a shop during the same visit.

New Challenger (10G): Defeated Matthew Patel without losing a life.

That last one had me nervous. Patel wiped the floor with Kim thanks to his hipster demon girls, but Scott has a great kick-uppercut combo that slowly whittled him down into coins. After that, the world map opened to two areas, one that I’ve already gone to (the shopping district). Didn’t have any more time to play as the pillows were calling out my name. Might try more tonight, but every review says that the game gets extremely challenging for solo players. Gotta wait for Tara to join me in cold, snowy, pixelated Toronto. However, I’m not totally convinced on the RPG elements within, as the leveling up system is…decidedly odd. Will have to (pun-intended) experience it more.

The Top Five Punniest Monsters in Dragon Quest IX

Look, if you’ve been hanging out here at Grinding Down for some time now, then you know one certain thing about me: I love puns. Heck, I even tag a bunch of my entries with “pun” so I can quickly go back and chuckle at my–or someone else’s–witty writing. It’s a writer thing, and I probably have Piers Anthony’s Xanth series to blame; I devoured every book I could buy by him in high school, finally stopping around book #24, The Dastard. Seems like more have come out though, but I’ve outgrown his writing.

So it’s a good thing I love puns because otherwise…Dragon Quest IX would be nearly unbearable. It’s safe to say that the tiny DS cartridge is bloated with puns, both good and bad, and they are around every corner, whether it’s a town’s name (::cough cough:: Alltrades Abbey ::cough::) or people like Edwinn and Erinn, inn runners and Inny winners, or even at the very beginning of the story, at a place called Angel Falls, whereat the main character, an angel, falls down to after some havoc happens up above.

Where the puns really come out in full zombie mode though are with the monsters. An RPG has to have monsters to battle, and there’s a lot here, the majority pun-heavy. Some are better than others, and yes, I’ll openly admit that many are big ol’ groaners. But there’s a few that make me smile each and every time I run into them. Let’s review, shall we?

5. Cruelcumber

Oh my goodness! Just look at it! I want to hug it and smother it with love and then slice it into a dozen pieces for my salad and tuna fish sammich. It has a goofy look, sure, but it also has the best death animation. The Cruelcumber bounces onto its back, spear flying high into the air and then piercing its vegetable heart. But yeah, plant-based monsters really do get the pick of the crop…when it comes to puns. Nyuck nyuck nyuck!

4. Sacksquatch

I couldn’t find a picture of this monster online, sadly. Basically, it’s a sack, like a sack of grain or flour, and it is spewing life from a huge hole in its body. I guess it is its mouth, but it does kind of resemble a certain mysterious beast of the forest.

3. Betterfly

Betterfly is a stronger version of Batterfly, a monster modeled after a butterfly. It’s an easy pun, yes, but it works. I mean, you can’t go around calling butterfly monsters things like Evil Butterfly or Death-from-Abovefly or 666erfly. Just doesn’t work. Alas, there is no Bitterfly in the game. I checked.

2. Cyclown

It’s a clown-like monster cycloning its way over to kill you. Come to think about it, that’s actually quite terrifying. Run!

1. Knocktopus

No picture found, but it isn’t anything special to look at. Just another octopus monster you’ll fight once you get a boat and start heading for open waters. But this punny name makes sense. I mean, they have eight arms…there’s bound to be some knocking around when words no longer settle arguments. A later cousin monster is, embarrassingly, called Shocktopus, which I won’t even touch upon.

Runner-ups include: Badboon, Salamarauder, Zumeanie, Bewarewolf, and Expload

To see a whole bunch of monster art, visit the official Dragon Quest IX Nintendo website.