That’s right: the top five most horrible videogames I own. You may interpret horrible as you please. But I’m putting it all out there, and while I’m almost certain there are worst games in existence (hello, Vampire Rain), these are just the ones I actually have in my collection.
Let the walk of shame begin…
5. Super Fruitfall (Nintendo DS)
Actually, my mother bought this game and then passed it along to me. I think she either beat it or hated it with the heat-passion of a thousand suns. I played for probably a total of six minutes and experienced my life’s quota of Super Fruitfall. Basically, all the player does is hit the directional button left or right to rotate the screen so that fruit will fall into a hole. That’s it. There is nothing else to do. In theory, this game could be played with one’s eyes shut tight. I recommend that.
4. American McGee’s Alice (PC)
Initially, I loved this game. But then again I also found the TV show “Ronin Warriors” to be kickass. I was young, I was stupid, and I was in “love”…see, I played this game with my then high school girlfriend, and it was an interesting experience. I directed and hit the jump button (space bar) while she walked Alice to and fro. Kinda fun, mostly lame. I went back to American McGee’s Alice a few years ago and found it horribly ugly, stiff, and no fun at all. The relationship died a long time ago, I guess.
3. Summoner (Playstation 2)
On paper, Summoner sounds pretty neat. In fact, let’s look at some key points from the back cover:
- Traverse a beautiful, completely original world spanning two continents
- Encounter hundreds of characters and battle in realtime with a 5-person party
- Summon red minotaurs, black imps, golems, and other powerful allies
- Cast spectacular spells, wield an arsenal of weapons, clad yourself in the armor of a warrior
Pretty standard stuff for a top-notch RPG, am I right? Lies. ALL OF IT LIES. The problem was, besides Summoner being flat and unsightly, the in-game worlds were almost too large, with a map as helpful as a cave drawing. I don’t believe I ever even got out of that first major city despite having acquired nine different quests. Combat was tame, and the only time I ever saw a summoning was when I looked one up on YouTube.
2. Mario Paint (Super Nintendo)
Mario Paint is actually an excellent and fun game…when you can play it. My dumb self picked this up at a garage sale without remembering that you need the special Super NES Mouse and Mouse Pad to enjoy life. I thought a controller would’ve been enough, but alas all I can ever do with it is turn it on and stare endlessly at the start screen.
1. Godai Elemental Force (Playstation 2)
SWEET HOLY CRAP ON A DISC THIS IS SWEET HOLY CRAP ON A DISC! I fear that describing this game in words would not do it justice so please, take a deep breath, and then watch this gameplay video. Did you see the part where the ninja sort of glides when he jumps down off the higher part of the level? Yeah, that’s how everyone jumps. The voice acting is a riot until you realize they are trying to be serious, the combat is a joke, and the graphics are as poor gets. I don’t remember how much I spent on this, but whatever it was…I WANT IT BACK, 3D0.
And this completes my very first list here at Grinding Down. Ta-da!