Grand Theft Auto IV is so stingy with its Achievements

I’ve obviously not played a ton of Xbox 360 games, but the ones in my small collection certainly handed out Achievements much more…favorably than Grand Theft Auto IV at this point. The game is just simply stingy over them, and I’ve been playing for a decent amount of hours and have only unlocked14 of 65 Achievements. Three of these are story-based. That’s a pretty small number considering the many missions I’ve gone through already. The rest are a mix of mini-game skills, online multiplayer, and miscellaneous tasks done within Liberty City.

I guess I’m just surprised there’s not more random-based Achievements. I mean, it’s a sandbox game. The sky’s the limit. Here’s some I thought of that I’d have totally unlocked already:

Busybody (15G): Ignored 50 phone calls from your friends.

Bombs Away (20G): Blew yourself up with a grenade. Try throwing it next time.

Good Samaritan (50G): Obeyed all traffic laws for ten straight blocks. Red lights have nothing on you.

Bump That Ride (30G): Accidentally bump into 30 cop cars, wasting time losing your wanted level immediately after.

StairMaster (10G): Knock someone down a set of stairs and into someone else.

The Shocker (15G): Steal a car with a female driver and immediately switch the radio to ElectroShock.

Ha. Rockstar, if you’re reading, I’m available for freelancing!

Yeah, those kind of Achievements would be right up my alley. Silly, but doable. Most you wouldn’t even have to think about. One of the big reasons I’m not unlocking a lot of Achievements in GTA IV at the moment is because I’m actively going after Liberty City Minute (30G, Complete the story missions in less than 30 hours.), which is probably not going to happen since I’ve failed missions a lot and didn’t reload. Plus, I’m watching all the cutscenes. After that I’ll go after some of the, um, easier (?) Achievements. Like surviving a six-star wanted level for five minutes. Oh boy.

I guess, in the end, these Achievements really do earn their namesake, but I dunno…the game doesn’t need to be so stringent over ’em. Give a few more out for playing the game and less for being hardcore insane over it, I say.

Things I’ve yet to do in some videogames

Videogames, if we’re lucky, are full of things to do. Main missions, side quests, collecting items like coins or flags or severed heads, Easter eggs, mini-games, and so on. I realized the other day though that for some games from my collection–games I’ve played for many, many hours–there’s at least one thing I’ve yet to even try…or experience. For certain gamers, these missed elements are probably really big deals…

Fallout 3 – Find Dogmeat and use him/her as a companion

To be honest, I’ve never used a companion in Fallout 3 unless the quest required me to do so. Both of my playthroughs at this point have been very ninja-like, requiring me to slink around corners and slip through darkness with skill and silence. Bringing a dog with me would be like inviting a marching band along. I’ve yet to even go to the junkyard and get the chance to dismiss this puppy. Many tout the beast as a literal beast, a fighting tank at your side that, so long as you keep him alive, is just brutal and powerful and your BFF. I know I’d get him killed in a split so it’s best just not to even go after him. The only Dogmeat I’ve seen at this point is the kind I loot off fallen Super Mutants.

Grand Theft Auto IV – Purchase a hooker

I think I might have done this once in Grand Theft Auto 3: Vice City, just to see what it was like. I suspect I wasn’t terribly impressed, and then ran her over to get my money back. In GTA IV, I don’t even know where to look for hookers. They were much less subtle in previous iterations, and I’m always too busy trying to go from mission to mission to slow down and have some fun. Rather eat a hot dog than have my hot dog eaten, if y’know what I’m saying.

Pokemon HeartGold – Breed my very own pocket monster

Every message board/forum I come across for Pokemon talks fervently about breeding these little guys/gals into perfect babies. I don’t know what they’re talking about because I have yet to figure out how to do this. I guess it’s something that happens after you beat all the gyms? I’m on the eighth of the first set of gyms at the moment.

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Having not done these things has certainly not taken away any enjoyment from the above games (well, not that I really enjoy GTA IV all that much). I’ve just not found time to fit them into my gaming schedule…

Niko Bellic, the jerkiest jerk that ever jerked

Niko Bellic: Life is complicated. I… I never thought I’d live like this.
Ileyna Faustin: No?
Niko Bellic: When the war came, I did bad things, but after the war I thought nothing of doing bad things. I killed people, smuggled people, sold people.
Ileyna Faustin: And you don’t worry about your soul?
Niko Bellic: After you walk into a village and you see 50 children, all sitting neatly in a row, against a church wall, each with their throats cut and their hands chopped off, you realize that the creature that could do this doesn’t have a soul.

I really do loathe him. How could someone not? The above passage–so far–is about as honest and human as Niko gets, and even then it’s not saying much. See, we’re supposed to feel bad for the 30-year-old mysterious ex-soldier pursuing “the American dream” in Liberty City, but with each subsequent mission it becomes harder and harder to take him for more than anything but a cartoony videogame avatar controlled by us to explore a city, shoot people in the face, and generally cause havoc. He is not real. He is that creature without a soul.

Some seem to think Niko’s a real charmer. Especially every girl he dates. Must be heroin in the soda. All I see is cynicism and a down-to-business attitude, which would not be the worst thing in the world…y’know, if said business was not extreme violence. He came to Liberty City to see his cousin Roman for a better life, and now he’s all tangled up in a dozen different plots, all full of murder and betrayal and heartbreak. Boo hoo. He could stop at any point. Really, there’s enough Internet cafes and TV shows to keep him busy 9 to 5. But he doesn’t because, and I’m paraphrasing here, “I need the money, and I’m good at what I do.”

That is, being Mr. Jerk.

It’s not like other protagonists for Grand Theft Auto haven’t been cruel and unkind. It’s just that this one is unwilling to be anything else. Even his chuckling is malevolent.

I suspect I’m halfway through Grand Theft Auto IV now. It’s kind of hard to tell, especially since I haven’t had a Roman-centric mission in awhile. I’m guessing those are more of the main storyline ilk while everything else I’ve been doing is like side missions and BS time. I’m trying to complete the game as straightforward as possible, saving all the silly exploration and stunt jumps for later. I’m even actively avoiding hanging out with friends in-game to keep the momentum going, but now that I think about it, we can just chalk that up to Niko continuing to be the jerkiest jerk that ever jerked.

Earth Day, and games with great grass

When I think of Earth Day, I think of grass. No, not the kind often celebrated in that counterculture holiday from two days ago. But the green stuff that proved such trouble in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and yet feels simply wonderful to walk through barefoot. Don’t deny it. Grass is great, and not just because it’s green.

Not surprisingly, grass shows up in a bajillion videogames, too. First-person shooters, epic fantasy RPGs, farm sims, you name it. It’s there. Graphically, herbaceous plants have come a long way, and here’s a couple of games  I believe do grass well.

The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass

In The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, Link could use his sword to swipe at bushes and find hidden rupees (as well as really ticked off enemies). It was great fun and always hard to resist doing so, especially since the bushes themselves respawned after entering/exiting a building. Phantom Hourglass, however, made it feel even more rewarding to slice up the earth. Now you could swipe at tall grass, and thanks to the touchscreen controls, it was quick, breezy, and rewarding. Hearts and rupees galore! My favorite tactic was to stand in the middle of a bunch of grass and do the spin attack. Seriously, if Link ever got tired of saving Zelda, he could totally make it as a lawnmower.

Eternal Sonata

Now, I’m not here to argue whether this is a good game or not. It’s most likely not. I’ve mentioned before that I got stuck on a pirate ship and would have to grind for many hours just to be strong enough to beat the current boss and move on. -5 to fun factor. However, both via cutscenes and in-game graphics, Eternal Sonata rocks the grass and meadows and vibrant scenery. It’s just so pretty and colorful, and you totally get the impression that the earth here is healthy and well-cared for.

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

You could seriously get lost in this kind of grass. In fact, I most certainly have. Going up a hill, your perspective slanted, all you’ll see is grass, a hundred thousand blades swaying with the wind. Considering the size of the world and its forests, it’s mighty impressive…except when you are trying to find a dead body to loot. Then it’s just maddening.

Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

After two games of sneaking around inside buildings, Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater threw a wrench at us. Remember, if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball. In this one, a majority of the game is played outside in the open wild. Here, tall grass and camouflage are your BFFs. Such a change of pace, but so awesome, too. I really loved the tall, thin blades, and popping from them to take a sneak shot on a soldier sure beat stuffing them into a locker any day.

Every Pokemon game ever

Grass is where it’s at in Pokemon. Actually, grass is where Pokemon are at in Pokemon. That’s where they hide, and you’ll spend a lot of time traipsing through it to find the right ones or just get to your next destination. Grass is so important to this series that it is even a type of Pokemon class. Huzzah!

Fallout 3

I’m sure this will be a spoiler to some folks, but there’s a location in Fallout 3 unlike every other location you’ll come across. This one is alive with…life. Plant life, more specifically. I’m talking about Oasis, a small settlement tucked away into some boulders that is not affected by radiation and has actual grass and healthy trees sprouting up from the ground. Your first visit there is a total headturn, and you really begin to see the importance of your quest to purify the water of the Capital Wasteland. Oh sure, on occassion you’ll find a single flower somewhere and be amazed at its stubborness, but here is proof that life goes on through it all.

Everybody’s Golf series

While this series may feature cartoony golfer avatars, the grass is always serious. Seriously good, that is. Look at that divet mark above. As one who divets it up like crazy, I can say that it’s pretty authentic-looking. Actually, most golf games nail grass. They kind of have to. It’s 90% of the screen. The summery discoloring is perfect above, too.

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Got a favorite grassy game yourself? Tell me about it in the comments below.

LEGO Harry Potter Collector’s Edition to cast Avada Kedavra on your wallet

It seems that LEGO Harry Potter: Years 1-4 is getting the royalty treatment of a collector’s edition, ramping the price up to $70 for the Xbox 360, Playstation 3, and Wii versions. This magical package will include the game disc, behind-the-scenes featurettes, a set of four House Crest LEGO magnets, and an exclusive Avatar item for those gaming on the Xbox 360. Yeah, I’m gonna go out on a limb and just say that for $20 more, it’s not worth it. The featurettes will surely be on the Interwebz in time, and then that really just leaves us with…magnets. Things you stick to your fridge’s door and forget about for months. I mean, c’mon. It’s a LEGO-themed game. Why not just give us some actual LEGOs to play with? We know you have ’em.

Right. So, what has two thumbs and just can’t get excited over magnets? THIS GUY.

Chances are that my Purchase of the Month for May 2010 will be LEGO Harry Potter: Years 1-4, but most certainly not the CE. Not unless someone casts a Confundus charm on me…

Roger Ebert, videogames, and art walk into a bar

Recently, possibly out of boredom or for trolling, Roger Ebert decided to bring back his thoughts on the whole “videogames as art” topic, further cementing that, to him, in principle, games can never be art. You can read his full article here, which is in fact a faulty critique of Kellee Santiago’s TEDxUSC talk given back in March 2009. She responds back, echoing a lot my thoughts on the matter.

One could easily dismiss Ebert for being old and “not getting it,” and his tone throughout is rather that of a cranky curmudgeon, which does not help things. “No one in or out of the field has ever been able to cite a game worthy of comparison with the great poets, filmmakers, novelists and poets,” he repeats. Ouch. Maybe it’s because…he is a movie critic with movie critic friends? Seriously, talk to anyone in the videogaming business, and I’m sure they could make mention a few titles that would be hard to describe as anything but artsy. Yet it is his comments at the end of this critique that prove him beyond faulty and out of place to deem such claims, namely the ones about Flower. It’s evident he has never played the game, let alone many videogames.

Wow, that’s like me saying yoga isn’t a sport and having the world listen.

The question at the heart of this debate, now and forever, is can videogames be art?

And the answer is: of course.

Name-dropping Shadow of the Colossus, Heavy Rain, Katamari Damacy, Suikoden II, BioShock, and Myst, the harder question that continues to stomp around my brain every time this topic comes up is…how could they not be art?

Secret of the Black Pearl

I have, it seems, discovered the secret to being successful at Hexic HD, and it is this: you have to play early in the morning before you’ve had any kind of java to clear your mind and eyes from sleep. Only in this haze will you be able to form starflowers left and right until you get them fortuitously in place and create a black pearl, the mightiest of pearls, the rarest of gems, just like I did shortly before 8:00 a.m. today.

Oyster-meister (15G): Black Pearl

Trust me, I had to double-check that the ping! I had just heard had actually sounded. I’ve been attempting to unlock this Achievement for quite some time, getting frustratingly close on numerous occassions. And by close I mean one gem away. One. Gem. Away. Oh wells. Pretty glad to get this though, and now there’s really only three (out of 5 remaining) Achievements I’d like to unlock for this puzzler. One takes time, the others endurance.

Too cool to Cool Board?

The fiancée and I hit up her PS1 games collection this past weekend, enjoying some time with Wheel of Fortune and Cool Boarders 4. I’m not ready to talk about the emotional roller-coaster that is Vanna White plus categories called IN THE KITCHEN…so let’s have a laugh at Cool Boarders 4.

This is a snowboarding game sequel to a snowboarding game sequel to a snowboarding game sequel to the original that started it all back in 1996. In this one, you are trying to solve the mystery of the Origami Killer snowboard. You can go downhill or back and forth in a half-pipe. Or, if you’re feeling very skilled, attempt to grab some big air (and tricks) and land safely at the bottom. We even dabbled in split-screen action. Warning: don’t ever play Cool Boarders via split-screen.

Graphically, it’s seen better days, but the game is a barrel of laughs. It’s not funny like the Terry Pratchett book I’m reading currently is (Making Money), but you’ll still find yourself chuckling, maybe even to the point of near-tears. Tara and I first took turns doing trick runs, but I kept falling head first into broken tree limbs, and she loved punching the sky repeatedly. The more we did our respective actions, the funnier they got.

Also, you can create a character, and so I decked my dude out in all purple attire, gave him so much girth his ass stuck out, and named him Killer P, but alas, it was not meant to be and the disc froze. All my hard work was lost to Father Time. Or the snow gods. Whoever it is you worship in this Cool Boarding world.

So yeah, fun for thirty minutes. I’m sure we got more out of it than those that really care about snowboarding games and landing 180 indie flips…

Hello, I’m a Millionaire Extraordinaire

…but it’s only in Hexic HD points, not money. I know, what a sham!

Anyways, I had some time to kill this morning before heading off to work–I woke up annoyingly extra early, showered, made breakfast, and found myself staring at the clock in disgust to be more specific–so I switched on the Xbox 360 and loaded up some Hexic HD. This is a free puzzle game that I like to play from time to time; it’s not at all calming or soothing, what with its hodgepodge soundtrack, but it wears its addictive values proudly, and I enjoy playing it. Want proof? Well, I unlocked this Achievement after a couple of clearing combos:

Millionaire Extraordinaire (25G): 1,000,000 Total Points

That’s one million points…collectively. Not in just one game. That’d be nigh impossible, but this total amount makes perfect sense considering how much I’ve played Hexic HD since I got the system. So that’s cool. Two other Achievements I’m actively going after Hexic Addict (Complete 100 Games) and Oyster-meister (Surround one piece with six starflower pieces), but those will most likely take some time. I’ve been close a few times on getting a black oyster puzzle piece. Frustratingly close. How anyone eventually ends up getting six of them and then surrounding another piece with all of them is beyond me…

GAMES I REGRET PARTING WITH: The Granstream Saga

If anything, many gamers will know of The Granstream Saga for one glaring quirk: all its in-game characters are faceless. They have no faces. Something ate them. Instead, there’s just this round thing of flesh on top of their necks with some colored hair to sort of the young and the old, the male and the female, the smart and the dumb. Still, despite this oddity, the game featured animated cutscenes of the anime kind, a talking bird companion, and great sword-swinging action (for its time). Oh, and it is also purported to be the very first full 3D RPG for the PlayStation. Cool, cool.

The plot is pretty typical “save the world” stuff. Except, this time around, you have to save multiple worlds. See, once upon a time in this alt Earth, the entire planet was covered entirely in water. Then, thanks to magic and aftereffects from the war between the Allied Spirit Army and the Imperial Wizardry, numerous continents lifted up from the water and out into the air to float fine for years and years until you loaded up the game disc. Now they are slowly sinking back down. Way to go, gamer.

This is where Eon comes into play. He’s the hero of The Granstream Saga, a boy not so ready for his coming-of-age tale, but he’ll meet a varied bunch of folks along his travels who will help him save his floating homeland, as well as all the others. After all, faceless friends are always generous. You’ll spend a good portion of the game staring at his bright red hair.

Gameplay is very standard RPG fare, with exploration of towns and dungeons just about equal to each other. While roaming around a cave, you’ll find enemies and duke it out in real time. Eon carries a sword and a shield, and you’ll take Zelda-like swipes at the enemy, engaging it fully. All in all, kind of bland now…but the system worked great in 1998, and things got much better with upgraded equipment and the ability to cast magic. You eventually learned strategies, too, like side-stepping behind an enemy for a stronger attack.

The Granstream Saga was not the first RPG I played on the PlayStation, but it has strangely had a lasting effect on me. Images of faceless villagers—as well as that uncomfortable shower scene—flash in my mind from time to time. And the details about the game’s ending have always been fuzzy, something to do with that bird companion. And yes, I could easily just watch an entire playthrough on YouTube, but that would totally ruin my gaming nostalgia. Instead, I’ll just miss the heck out of my copy and yearn for the return of the faceless.

NOTE: I could not find any great screenshots of these faceless game models so I whipped up some examples below so you can get a feel for things. Enjoy!

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GAMES I REGRET PARTING WITH is a regular feature here at Grinding Down where I reminisce about videogames I either sold or traded in when I was young and dumb. To read up on other games I parted with, follow the tag.