Taking down Terramorphous the Invincible one tentacle at a time

I’ve always been a little sad knowing that I’d never be able to take down Crawmerax the Invincible from the original Borderlands by myself, as well as the fact that we’re now long ahead of that game and chances are highly unlikely I’d ever get a sizable group together to raid it for the rarest weapons on Pandora. Evidently, there was a way to glitch the thing through protective terrain, but that strategy has since been nerfed or just isn’t consistently reliable. I remember trying to take him on once with my Commando and the fight not lasting very long. Also, I doubt I can ever go back to the original Borderlands now that I’ve come to appreciate the enhancements made in Borderlands 2.

That said, I’m pleased with what we (hellomightydog, Burger2862, and myself) accomplished last night, taking down Terramorphous the Invincible. No, really, we did. We worked together, fired a lot of bullets, respawned a bunch, hid behind rocks, and hooted and hollered when the big ol’ baddie fell and swooped off the cliff’s edge. Disappointing loot aside (only one Legendary dropped and nobody really wanted it), this was the real reward:

Thresher Thrashed (30G): Defeated Terramorphous the Invincible

It was not easy. It took about an hour, and the most frustrating part was that we got Terramorphous down to one-fourth health, but then I ran out of ammo and had to leave my perfect hiding spot to grab some more, quickly dying at the same time everyone else did, giving Terramorphous full health in one sad gulp. So we went at it again, this time with me using a newly acquired LV 50 Infinity (never runs out of ammo); I stayed in one spot and never not held down the trigger button. At one point towards the end of the fight, my finger began going numb.

Using the rock hiding spot glitch, the fight isn’t too challenging so long as your other team members keep the beast busy and distracted, but there are a few moments where it can get real hairy. If all other team members die, Terramorphous will eventually make its way over to me and find a manner to hit me behind the rock. So, it’s important to keep shooting it. Also, shoot the tentacles, but try to leave a few with very little help for Second Winds. And be prepared to fight off a few miscellaneous tentacles after you take Terramorphous down; we were checking out the lame loot when, out of nowhere, a couple tentacles began damaging us. As if.

Other than that, yeeeeah. We did it. One raid boss in the bag. Maybe Hyperius the Invincible is up next? Ha. Maybe…

A maze of magic mirrors in Kirby and the Amazing Mirror

Well, we can add Kirby and the Amazing Mirror to the list of games with maps that I absolutely hate. Others on that list include Fez, LEGO Lord of the Rings, and Fable II, if you’re curious. For good maps, check out Costume Quest or The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim and love how easy they are navigate. Also, Minecraft.

A map should be both functional and follow-able, a handy accessory to help with one’s journey. For maps, I like to see markers for special spots and things to do, as well as the ability to place my own destination marker. Also, show me what direction I’m walking in or facing at, not just where I am currently standing. For 3D realms, seeing which direction I’m facing is vital to knowing where to continue heading forward or side-stepping to the left instead. Without that help, it’s just aimless wandering. Unfortunately, the map in Kirby and the Amazing Mirror is beginning to feel like the type that requires a long and detailed review of maps to ensure that all rooms and paths have been taken.

If you skip the little intro cutscene for Kirby and the Amazing Mirror, you miss nearly all the story beats. Which I did in my eagerness to begin playing. Oopsie. Evidently, here is what is happening: a sinister presence has invaded the Mirror World, which sits high and mighty above Dream World, and all the mirrors are now reflecting bad things. Meta Knight goes off to fix things, eventually disappearing in the process. Later, Kirby is attacked by a shadow Meta Knight, splitting our friendly pink puffball into four. They all then hop on a  Warpstar to chase after him. And that’s all the set up you get.

It plays like every other Kirby videogame, with you sucking enemies into Kirby’s mouth and eating them to gain powers, like lasers, swords, stone, and Cupid. You can puff yourself up to fly and shoot little things of air. Also, um, you have a…cell phone, which you can use to teleport you back to the mirror hub level or call in help from your colored counterparts. You traverse levels going from left to right, right to left, down to up, and sometimes from up to down. Everywhere you go, there are mirrors, which are doorways to other levels, and many of them are hidden or locked behind a barrier that requires the right power Metroidvania style to access. Alas, this means pre-planning and carefully keeping your power from several levels prior, which I’m bad at. It’s not difficult gameplay, just the kind that requires a lot of back and forth and awareness. Also, bosses I’ve fought so far include a lightning cloud and angry tree. So, y’know…Kirby.

If hopping in and out of mirrors isn’t your thing, there’s also three minigames in Kirby and the Amazing Mirror. They are cute, but you’ll play them once, see what they are about, and never go back. At least, that’s what I did. They all require a single button press. In Speed Eaters, you wait for a pan to reveal whether it has apples or bombs; if it’s the former, press A before any other Kirby, and you get the apples. Fill up your hunger meter first to win. Crackity Hack has you powering up a super punch to break a crack in the ground, seeing if you can go the farthest. Lastly, Kirby’s Wave Ride has you surfing and catching waves for speed bonuses. Again, they are exactly what they are called: mini-games. Nothing more, nothing less.

Right now, I’m around 17% complete, with two mirror shards found and put back into place. Gotta hop back through some mirror gates with the right powers on Kirby to find more. I wish you could at least store a second power somewhere. Like, deep within Kirby’s cheeks, hamster-style. Think about it. Oh well.

Epic Mickey: Power of Illusion plunges into an ocean of thinner

For last year, there were two potentials vying for the Most Disappointing Game of 2012: Game of Thrones: The Game and Epic Mickey: Power of Illusion. I still don’t have the heart and/or energy to extensively rip apart Cyanide’s stab at trolling around in Westeros–though you can check out previous posts for some clues to how I feel overall–so let’s spend today talking about Mickey Mouse and his lackluster painting skills and strangely unwavering glee-driven mentality.

It started with gorgeous preview screenshots that showcased a love and attention to detail for all things retro and Disney-esque, and then came the news that DreamRift was working on the game. For those that don’t know, those are the folks behind Monster Tale—which I thoroughly enjoyed–as well as Henry Hatsworth in the Puzzling Adventure, which I’ve not gotten to try, but sounds stellar. This developer loves the DS/3DS scenario, building entire games around using both screens simultaneously and with purpose. And so, with confidence, I tried out the demo and found it to be an all right time, with what looked like the promise of a Suikoden-style castle that you’d be upgrading over time as you found lost cartoon characters and did mini-quests for them. Ultimately, that didn’t turn out to be exactly it, but whatever. The game had the look and sorta feel of those older Mickey Mouse games we all played in our younger days, and between the console version and the portable one, I knew which version I’d enjoy more. Or at least I thought I did.

There are many problems with Epic Mickey: Power of Illusion, but let’s start with its pacing. It’s slow, bogged down by endless screens of exposition or contrived dialogue from Disney characters you’d expect more from. Mizrabel the Witch has stolen a bunch of cartoons, and it’s up to Mickey to rescue everyone. Simple enough, I guess, and the witch can take on the appearance of other Disney villains to keep you guessing for a long while. The opening of the game takes at least ten to fifteen minutes before you are even doing anything platformer-like, and basic abilities like “jumping” and “attacking” are doled out one by one to keep things moving at a glacier’s ramming speed.

The pace is further hampered by the game’s main touting point: painting. Mickey has the power to paint and/or erase objects in the world. To do this, you use the bottom screen to either trace the outline of an object or erase it fully. This takes a few seconds to do, and then a few seconds more to actually see your work realized. Now, a few seconds here and a few seconds there don’t seem like much, but you are literally pausing the action every few steps to paint or erase something, and it eventually becomes a bother, to the point that you no longer care about getting “Perfect” ratings with your tracing, scribbling around the outline as fast as possible just to get it over with. I ended up despising the painting aspect so much that I actively avoided it wherever I could; before each level, you can bring certain “sketches” with you, such as Goofy or a treasure chest, which, so long as you have the paint, you can use over and over again. I think I used the treasure chest once, and never bothered with any other sketches as, again, they just weren’t worth the effort and the time-sink.

Let’s talk about side quests, as they surprisingly make up a large chunk of Epic Mickey: Power of Illusion. They come in two forms: fetch quests or draw something. You are either fetching someone an item or straight up drawing it into existence for them. Oh wait, there’s a third category: go down the hall and talk to X, which should be self-evident. The fetch quests are probably the most annoying of the three, as they require you to hop back into levels you’ve already completed to find something that wasn’t there before. They aren’t difficult–well, depending on the level’s design–but they are a bit of a waste of time, especially since you can use a special currency to basically overwrite these quests and move on with your life. I did that a lot. There was no other reason to hoard these special star things, and so I cheated my way through many questlines. One of the more important quests is to get Uncle Scrooge back on his feet so that he can operate an upgrade store, which provides bonuses to melee damage, health, paint and thinner capacity, and so on; this is where you’ll spend all those Disney dollars you collect in every level.

Without a doubt, the breaking point for me was getting to the Castle South Wing, also known as the water levels. These are based around The Little Mermaid and someone’s love for Satan and masochism. To begin, Mickey’s jumping is floaty, and not in a good way. You spend the whole game getting used to it, only to then be in a water level that takes his floatiness to a whole new level. Now you have to deal with extra float, spikes on cavern ceilings, swimming enemies, and maneuvering around tiny platforms. Hands down, these were some of the worst water levels I’ve suffered through, and I’m the guy that actually enjoys them in Super Mario Bros. 3 and Donkey Kong Country. These are such pains in the butt that each one took multiple attempts and then, once discovering that new fetch quests opened up in all of them, I said “eff off” and never went back once. I suspect a lot of gamers might even just give up here. I nearly did.

The greatest thing Epic Mickey: Power of Illusion has going for it is its visuals, which never fail to wow. Seriously, every screen is colorful and layered, with hand-drawn and scrolling backgrounds that really make fantastic use of the system’s 3D tech. It looks, in my opinion, superior than its console counterpart(s), and the long stretches of exposition are made slightly more enjoyable thanks to great looking art. I don’t remember who said it exactly, but concept art for Disney Epic Mickey has always looked better than the final product. Here, that “concept art” is the game. So…that’s a win.

But that’s about it for Epic Mickey: Power of Illusion, a disappointment in all meanings. Supposedly there was a fourth section of the castle to explore, but it was cut due to timely deadlines. Not sure if that would have saved the game or not, as surely it would’ve been more of the same, but with new things to look at it. Just goes to show that strenuous development cycle this adventure went through though. Even if you’re the biggest Disney fanatic, the magic won’t last long. Try Monster Tale or dig out your Sega Genesis and a dusty copy of Castle of Illusion Starring Mickey Mouse instead. Trust me.

Here are the videogames I want to beat in 2013

Resolutions for a new year of gaming always start with good intentions, but quickly fall apart for me. For instance, I believe I said that I wanted to play fewer games in 2012 and devote more work to my art shtuff, but I just don’t know if that actually happened. Certainly, with Steam’s Summer, Fall, and Winter sales and all the indie bundles that have hooked me, I’ve acquired a bajillion games, though I’ve not played many of them. But I still feel like I got through a ton. If my Games Completed in 2012 tag is to be believed, I’ve finished off 40 games in the last 365 days. Some may argue that DLC and episodes of episodic gaming don’t count, but those folks can go suck a lemon; if they end in credits of any kind, they are a separate entity.

For 2013, I see myself completing around that same number again (38 in 2011, if you’re curious), but I want to clear out more backlog before anything new takes over. And not just recently acquired videogames, but some “classics” from the yesteryears that I keep meaning to get to, but never do.

So without further ado, here are the games from my pullulating collection I want to beat in 2013. Because really, they are overdue. Most are RPGs. So that could throw a wrench in the speed factor, but whatever. Love me them are-pee-gees. And yes, I’ve never finished any of these before.

Chrono Cross

Yup. Never finished Chrono Cross in all my years of owning the game. I seem to get as far as the part where you switch over and control Lynx and then…just lose interest. Which is a shame. I’ve watched Tara play past this part, but she took eventually puts the game down and doesn’t return to it. But there’s so much to love about Chrono Cross. All you diehard Trigger fans that swear it is a terrible sequel can say that just fine, but I think it’s harder to deny it’s a good game. The battle system is fun and offers up strategy and variety at the same time, and the ability to mix/match your party keeps you trying new characters out. Granted, of all the games here, this is the one that worries me the most, as I just don’t understand why I keep getting to the same part and then stopping. Hmm…

UPDATE! I beat Chrono Cross and devoted a whole week’s worth of posts to the mighty RPG.

Silent Hill 2

As a rule, whenever I talk about Silent Hill 2, I have to link to this classic journal comic of mine. Anyways, based on our last save, we left things in Silent Hill very badly. And by that I mean we are extremely low on ammo and health and stuck in a place filled with enemies. An apartment building, me thinks. Not sure if it is worth trying to go on–or even possible–or if it’d be better to start over and just practice conserving from the very start. If I beat this, it’d be the first Silent Hill game for me. Out of them all. From what it sounds like, it’s the best one, too.

UPDATE! I beat Silent Hill 2 and got the “Leave” ending.

Final Fantasy IX

I love this game. I love the varied characters and designs, the silliness, the charm, the card-collecting mini-game, the way you earn abilities permanently through battles and earning XP, the brilliant story, especially the opening scenario with kidnapping a princess who wants to be kidnapped. I think that influenced The Stolen Lovelight for sure. And yet…I always get to a place and then walk away. Don’t really know where that is in this one, but it’s somewhere between the second and third discs.

Radiant Historia

I was quite smitten when Radiant Historia came out. In fact, I desired it so that I pre-ordered the game and got a free five-song soundtrack included with my purchase. It’s an adventure built around the idea of parallel universes and altering minor details to create dramatic changes later on. The battle system places an important of where each character and enemy is to dish out damage. I played for a good while, but eventually put aside, distracted by something else. Unfortunately, with a game like this, even though it has a handy “timeline” built into the menu, it is quite easy to quickly lose your place and thus any enthusiam to continue on. From what I’ve read, Greg Noe completed it, showing him how to love JRPGs yet again. Now that I’m done with Professor Layton and the Miracle Mask, I’m going to dive back into Paper Mario: Sticker Star and then start over in Radiant Historia just after that. Well, that’s the early plan, at least.

Primal

I’ve already written at length over Primal and how I think it’s pretty underrated and generally fantastic. Just go read it elsewhere and know that I plan to see this one through. Heck, I mean, I’ve only seen one of Jen’s transformation forms in all my time with the game. I think I last stopped because I got glitched, but maybe I just couldn’t find the puzzle solution.

UPDATE! I finally saw all the realms in Primal and did what I could to restore order to these alternate planes; alas, in retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have kept playing, as the entire game is better remembered for its early parts and not the frustrating swimming and combat that pads out the remainder of your time spent. Oh well.

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Right. So that’s one Nintendo DS game, two PlayStation 2 games, and two PlayStation 1 games. Five games I want to beat in 2013 alongside whatever new and old comes across my plate. I think I can do it. The trick will be maintaining focus and enduring. That can be hard with games I don’t enjoy, but these five are all ones I appreciate in various ways, so in short–let’s do this.

What videogames–new or old–do you want to beat this year?

The Top 10 Videogames I Didn’t Get to Play in 2012

Well, here we are again. Another year has come to a close, and I’ve not played every videogame that came out in the last twelve months. I know, how shocking. And here are some reasons: money, time, sanity. I do make a conscious attempt to balance my videogaming time with my time for creating all of those wonderfully “bad” comics no one really looks at, which can be quite a dance, especially during those months where it seemed like a desirable game came out every few days for weeks on end. Like this past October through November. It was dastardly. But yeah, videogames–I don’t play ’em all.

For those curious, here’s what I didn’t get to play last year and the year prior:

• The Top 10 Games I Didn’t Get to Play in 2011
• The Top 10 Games I Didn’t Get to Play in 2010

Get hooked by the sad puppy picture, stay for the maddening lists. All right, enough setup. Let’s get to this year’s misses pronto.

10. Red Dead Redemption // Batman: Arkham Asylum // Batman: Arkham City // Portal 2

Basically, for the number 10 spot, here’s just a bunch of games from previous years’ lists which I’ve still not gotten to experience. You could call this cheating, and I would agree with you, but I think they all still deserve some sort of mention. So let’s lump them together. I’m sure most of you are silently screaming at me from across the screen to play Portal 2 right now, a game which I bought for $5.00 from Steam’s latest Summer Sale, but have not even gotten around to installing yet on my laptop. Swing and a miss, I guess. My landlord continues to recommend Red Dead, too. One day. One day, people…

9. Dust: An Elysian Tail

A side-scrolling, action platformer with a really vibrant look and a tale of genocide. Seems like many dismissed this game simply because they fear the Furries, but it sounds like there’s a great, emotionally-driven story and even greater gameplay mechanics to enjoy here. Also, take into account that Dust: An Elysian Tail is the product of one man’s work. Yeah, I gotta get to this at some point. Selfishly, I’m waiting for a reduced price sale, and I think I just missed my chance to get it for half off the other day. Wah.

8. Crashmo

From what it sounds like, Crashmo is both a continuation from Pushmo and also an entirely different game. In this one, gravity takes priority, with blocks able to fall when moved off other rows and columns. And you can rotate the playing field á la Fez to get a better perspective on how to climb to the top and save that little kid yet again. That said, I’d like to get a wee bit further in Pushmo‘s later (and more straining) puzzles before moving on to new mechanics that literally change how one plays.

7. Dragon’s Dogma

An open world action-RPG developed by Capcom? Huh, okay. That’s an interesting start, but throw in the addition of creating a mini army of Pawns that you can customize and make your own. Bosses are climbable like in Shadow of the Colossus, Pawns can select between nine vocations and you can trade them among friends and strangers, and the realm is yours to explore. Seems like the story is paper-thin until the absolute very end, but maybe the story doesn’t matter all that much over taking down griffins and giant heart-eating dragons.

6. Faster Than Light

I did not back FTL on Kickstarter when its campaign was running and didn’t even really know it existed until it was released and quickly loved by many, many gamers. It’s been described succinctly as “Oregon Trail in space.” You run a spaceship and try to get as far as you can with it, surviving asteroids and pirate raids and general malfunctions. When you die, it’s done, and you have to start over. That sounds cruel and punishing, but this is the kind of game that you go back into smarter and more prepared, whether that helps you or not. Randomness is a factor for sure, but that’s the risk you take when piloting a spaceship.

5. LEGO Batman 2: DC Super Heroes

I was not a huge fan of LEGO Batman; I mean, it was fine, and much better than LEGO Indiana Jones 2 for sure, but it’s not my favorite of the LEGO videogames. Maybe that’s because it didn’t have a film to follow, and it set out to tell its own story, without words. Which is pretty hard to do unless you already know what’s going on. Now, LEGO Batman 2 doesn’t have a film to follow again, but this is where the LEGO characters began to talk, which has to help in telling a story, I suspect, and you have a huge hub world of Gotham to explore. Plus all the familiar hooks. And there’s more than Batman characters here. Maybe once I’m done running around LEGO Middle-earth I’ll give this a spin, but that could be a while. Spoiler: I’m loving LEGO Middle-earth.

4. Dishonored

I got my stealth fix with Mark of the Ninja this year, but it sounds like Dishonored does some good things too, especially with the Blink ability, which allows you to quickly travel from point A to point B super fast. It’s got a New Weird/steampunk-like setting, and you can handle missions in a number of ways, just like the Deus Ex of yesteryear. I like variety and doing things my way. At some point, I’ll get to this.

3. Mass Effect 3

This year, I played Mass Effect 2. It went all right. I found it to be an okay space-based adventure across the galaxy, but nothing astounding. In fact, I think I enjoyed Mass Effect more, as there was more to explore there, to learn about the races and planets and technology. I got through the “suicide mission” just fine, but then Mass Effect 3 came out and it sounded like a whiff for various reasons. Not interested in online multiplayer, and it seems like you can only experience the game in its true form via numerous DLC packs, released later. Think I’ll wait for a “game of the year” version, which, if Mass Effect 2 is any proof, BioWare won’t ever put out.

2. Journey

No PlayStation 3, no play. Insert a thousand scarf-wearing sad faces. Journey, from what I’ve heard, sounds absolutely amazing. And every screenshot looks like a perfect desktop wallpaper. Take that as you will.

1. Assassin’s Creed III

Assassin’s Creed III came out right at a bad time for me, with little time to play and having already purchased a few Nintendo 3DS titles to hold me over. So I had the choice of getting this or a new winter coat, and I went with the latter. So far, it’s worked out pretty well, and even though most reviews for ACIII were less than positive, I’m still curious to see what it is like to be an assassin in colonial times, as well as all the wilderness exploration. Heard it doesn’t “end” things, which is a bummer, as I think this series needs closure and then to come back as something completely new.

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Originally, Telltale’s The Walking Dead was at the #1 spot, but thanks to the Microsoft’s Christmas spirit, the first episode “A New Day” is being given out for free on the Xbox 360 all week long, and so I downloaded, plopped myself on the couch next to Tara, and quickly devoured the entire thing in one sitting. It’s really good. I picked up the four other episodes for 200 MP a piece this morning and plan to see how things go for Lee and Clementine as soon as possible.

That said, naturally, there are even more games I haven’t gotten to play this year, some of which sound fantastic (Hotline Miami, The Unfinished Swan, Retro City Rampage), and some of which I just couldn’t find the energy to care about (Halo 4, XCOM: The Enemy Unknown). Maybe I’ll get to trying out a few of these in the upcoming 2013 stretch, but with a huge and growing backlog in Steam (thanks, all you indie bundles) and a New Year’s Resolution of completing some classics from my collection for the first time, I might not. We’ll see what ends up on next year’s list; one promise I can make is that I’ll be playing Animal Crossing: New Leaf the very first minute of the day it is released. I need that game like woah.

Anyways, what games did you miss out on this year? Speak up in the comments section below! And good luck in the year to come.

So far, Red Faction: Armageddon asks very little, gives even less

I initially balked at the Humble THQ Bundle, confused by what it was. Certainly not indie, which was taken away from the collection’s overall title, but far from humble, too. These are triple A titles from a major company. So I slept on it. In the end, I just couldn’t pass up the chance to play Darksiders, Metro 2033, and Red Faction: Armageddon for the low, low entry fee of a buck. Yeah, that’s right; I went as low as I could. No need for me to go above and beyond the average amount paid for Saints Row: The Third, a fantastically fun videogame that I already own for the Xbox 360 and have played to nearly completion (minus the lackluster DLC). And I highly doubt there will ever come a day that I actually install the three Company of Heroes games, let alone one of them. I am so not interested in real-life war games. Oh well.

And for $1–or really $0.33 if you break it up between the three games I wanted from the whole caboodle–Red Faction: Armageddon is functionally fine. But that doesn’t absolve it from being a horribly backwards sequel that strips away everything that made Red Faction: Guerrilla a fun time: an open world, the freedom to destroy what you wanted and how you went about it, the various modes for online play, the impact a sledgehammer could deliver. And more, surely. Now, for those that don’t remember–heck, even I kind of forgot this–I played the demo for Armageddon back in May 2011, not really finding too much to talk about within it. I walked down a dark corridor and shot some alien monsters off walls, as well as reconstructed some ruined platforms and staircases. Yeah, very different from the previous outing.

In this one, you play as Darius Mason, another checkbox in a long list of white, disgruntled-looking, bald videogame protagonist men. Don’t get him confused with other bald, white men in the game. It is 2017, and he must reclaim cultist fortifications on the disaster-ravaged surface of Mars, as well as defend colonists from hostile Martian creatures thriving in the mines and chasms below. To do this, Mason will use various tools and weapons, such as the Nano-Forge and Magnet Gun, to dish out destruction or repair what’s fallen. He will also walk forward in a straight line and shoot swarms of alien monsters to death before repeating this process a few feet further down. The plot is dished out in small, predictable chunks, with characters being stock and uninspiring, and Mason as a action movie star wannabe. Really, his one-liners need to stop.

Then again, the plot in Guerrilla wasn’t that great, but the openness of the world and the freedom of your tools more than made up for that. Here, in Armageddon, all that is gone. It is a non-stop corridor crawl. Dark corridors too, filled with the same swarms of alien monsters which you can kill in one melee hit so don’t bother trying to shoot them in the shadows. The game occasionally teases you by bringing you above-ground, but it’s still just a straight run or vehicle-driven sequence that does not encourage exploration. In fact, if you stray too far from the zone where all the fighting is going down, you get a warning message from the game coupled with a countdown to return to the fight. I have to imagine if you don’t by the time the countdown ends, it’s game over. Yeah, none of that.

Overall, despite a fun set of tools at your side like the Magnet Gun and that super powerful sledgehammer, Armageddon is shockingly boring. You just follow a guided path and kill monsters along the way until you get to a cutscene or new section, doing it all again. Boss fights are uninteresting, requiring little skill and thought and just a better ability to roll out of danger while continuing to fire your assault rifle. I’ve been playing on the Normal difficulty, and it’s felt a little like Godzilla squashing a city of people; haven’t died once, haven’t run out of ammo, haven’t really found myself in a tough pickle. According to my upgrades wheel, I’m almost 75% through the story. Think that’s three or four more levels to slog through.

The Humble THQ Bundle recently added in the Path to War DLC for free since I already purchased the collection. I have no idea what it is and entails, but I imagine it is just more of the same missions from the main game. I’ll give it a try once I finish off Armageddon‘s campaign, as well as try some of the multiplayer options, before shelving the game for good and remembering back to the good ol’ times I had with the franchise back in Red Faction II and Guerrilla.

Perfection is earning all the Seals from every level in Mark of the Ninja

Well, this certainly didn’t happen over night, but it finally happened nonetheless:

Perfection (15G): Earn all the Seals in every level.

For those that don’t know, Seals are basically optional objectives, and there are three for every level in Mark of the Ninja. Some require you to reach a specific spot within a certain time limit and others are more tricky, requiring restraint and patience. Such as the last one that I got to unlock the above Achievement, which tasked our ninja friend with pickpocketing two keys instead of killing the guards holding them and taking them from their sliced up bodies. Well, that’s how I did it my first time through, but going the stealthier route forced me to move more slowly and be very aware of my surroundings. Which is fine, because this game is so dang rewarding, making one feel like he or she really is the shadow in the night, the hand from the darkness, the unseen that moves like the wind.

In the end, none of the Seals were too painful to get, just time-consuming. I tried to get what I could during my first playthrough of Mark of the Ninja, but due to tiny text syndrome, my bad eyes, and an iffy font choice, I had a hard time reading most of the instructions. So I skipped a lot of Seal tasks or just plain missed doing something because I didn’t know it could be done. And so, long after the fact, I did something I haven’t done in a while and don’t do often just from a sheer dislike in following along instead of figuring things out on my own: printed out a checklist from an online guide. The last time I did this? Hmm. Probably the alchemy recipes for Dragon Quest VIII. Well, I also began to record some item collecting in Borderlands, but that fizzled out fast as soon as Borderlands 2 dropped. Regardless, it really helped a lot to know exactly what tasks were in each level beforehand and then cross them off as I accomplished them.

Still working on completing all the Challenge Rooms, finding all the hidden haiku thingies, earning all upgrades for the ninja, and acquiring a ranking of three stars for each level. Yeah, all those tasks–at once. I’m pretty close on each of ’em, but it’s a slow creep, with constant checking and sometimes having to replay the entire level to make ends meet. After this, all that’s left for me to experience in Mark of the Ninja is a New Game+ playthrough, which I’m hesitant about doing. I like to pretend I’m a great ninja, but truthfully, I’m great ninja because of all the systems already in place; remove those, and I’m just a dude in a funny costume hopping off walls like a madman. At least, that’s what I suspect. I’ll probably give it a try, but if the early levels prove troublesome, then there’s no way I’ll get through the final ones on my skills alone.

Epic fail at tossing coins and strangling dudes in Hitman: Blood Money

I meant to write about Hitman: Blood Money some months ago, but I played it during an extended weekend over the summer where I hurt my lower back real bad and passed the days in somewhat of a fever haze. I mean, heck…I drew this comic during what I might consider my sanest moment. So maybe a part of me doesn’t believe how bad the controls were and frustrating the opening tutorial level was. Maybe I just wasn’t up to snuff with hitting controller buttons well. I’d try again, surely, and with all the talk about the newest Hitman: Absolution game hitting the market…well, I was in the mood for some stealthy kills.

On paper, these Hitman games sound like my kind of experience. They are described as a series of stealth action games, in which players are encouraged to use sneaking, disguises, and trickery instead of raw firepower to take out target assassinations. You control Agent 47, an assassin-for-hire, and take out targets using various methods. So far, all I’ve experienced of the franchise is the opening tutorial level in Blood Money, the hideout right after, and the beginning of the following level. I’m having a real hard time going the stealth route, instead skimping by on raw firepower, which is extremely disappointing and 100% less fun.

The controls are the biggest problem. Now, I’m playing Blood Money on the PlayStation 2. I picked this version up a long time ago for somewhere around $6, which seemed like a fair price. The beginning tutorial level, called “Death of a Showman,” is specifically constructed to show players all the different ways to be stealthy and crafty. Your assassination target is one Joseph Clarence, better known as “Mr. Swing King.” An accident at his amusement park caused the deaths of several children, and one parent seeks vengeance. The level is clearly divided into snippets, each one there to teach you a new trick: distraction, strangling, hiding bodies, wearing disguises, pretending to be someone else, messing with the environment, taking enemies as human shields, sniping, poisoning food and water, making the kill, and setting bombs. That’s…um, a lot of systems. Probably some I’m not even naming, such as using weapons (aiming, firing, reloading, figuring out how to equip/unequip) and hiding in closets. The two biggest hurdles for me are throwing coins and strangling dudes.

For tossing coins, you first have to hold the square button down to bring up the inventory. Yes, I wrote hold. You can then toss a couple of coins on the ground. The tutorial text tells you to do this. And so I do, over and over and over again. But the coins just drop at my feet, when clearly I need to get them out an open window to distract some guards nearby. You’d think the game would tell me how to aim, but no. I try using the R1 button, which is how you aim in first-person mode with a gun, but that does nothing. I try running and throwing the coins to no avail. It’s absolutely ridiculous. Eventually, I go online and learn that you have to hold in L3–which is the analog stick you walk around with–and that brings up an aiming cursor. Let me make sure this is clear: the stick you walk around with is also the stick you aim with. That means walking and aiming happen at the same time. Thankfully, Agent 47 is up against a desk, but otherwise I can’t see this working well one little bit.

Strangling dudes is just as hit or miss. Agent 47 comes pre-packed with some fiber wire. With this, he can sneak up behind someone, throw the wire around their neck, and choke them to death both silently and efficiently. Well, theoretically. I only had this scenario go down flawlessly once, and that’s the part where you’re supposed to do it anyways. Again, to bring the wire out of your inventory, you first have to hold square and then select from the items. To sneak, you hold down L1. However, to sneak with the wire ready to go, you instead hold down R1. Strangely, you can also do both if you love holding buttons down and hate your pointer fingers immensely. Then, to strangle a target, you have to get behind them and release the R1. That’s right. Letting go of a button creates the action, and what’s worse, there is no prompt so it is all guess work. Most of the time Agent 47 would just abruptly stand up behind the target, alerting them and other guards, forcing me to bust out a shotgun and blast my way to the next part.

The newspaper at the end of the level–which I think is a fantastic element–said that 28 people were slaughtered, one of them an innocent bystander. Well, that’s what happens when stealth fails and there’s no turning back. That’s not what I was going for, and without being able to play stealthy successfully, Blood Money is nothing more than a clunky, third-person shoot-em-up. After the tutorial level, you are in your hideout, where you can try other weapons and purchase upgrades for them. I started the next level, called “A Vintage Year,” but fell into the same problems previously mentioned when trying to choke a patrolling guard, thus throwing everything into shambles. Which, ultimately, is a big shame.

And no, you can’t change any of the controls. Trust me, I tried. Looked high and low and even in the middle. The most you can do is go inverted. So yeah: it’s either learn to play this way or go do something else. I think I know what I’ll be doing then.

The Bright Moon loomed, and the Scythian labored

If you follow me on Twitter, I must both apologize and then apologize for apologizing, as I went on a tweeting rampage last night due to there being a full moon in the sky, as well as a pixelated one in Superbrothers: Sword & Sworcery EP. In case you missed all the intense action, here’s a taste:

I love the absurdity of that dog-infused tweet jarringly placed among all the ones about saving sylvan sprites and working on obtaining the Bright Moon Trigon. But really, Capybara Games is to blame as they went ahead and made every scrap of text tweet-able, and dang if the writing wasn’t so bizarre and strangely amusing. One could most definitely tweet out the entire Sworcery experience–if they didn’t mind losing all their followers, that is. Right. Moving on…

I last played Sworcery a couple weeks back, completing sessions one and two in a single go, absolutely absorbed into the strange world, its fiction and sounds and meticulous aesthetics. I started exploring the lands a bit in session three, just to see what was to come, but was firmly planted in my Scythian’s tracks, as progress further depended on phases of the moon. More specifically, a Full Moon and a New Moon. And these phases had to correspond with real life. One could totally cheat by looking up when the next desired phase was and adjusting the clock on their computer or iPad, but I’m not into that. Plus, years of living a digital life via Animal Crossing: Wild World has taught me the patience required for waiting for a specific day to do something. And so I waited, about two weeks, to play.

Last night, between the fresh snow and the full moon, the outside was nearly as bright as the inside. In Sworcery, not much looked different, except for a noticeably bright and full moon hanging in the sky on just about every screen. I loved this, the mixing of real life and not, the fusing of sides A and B, the glimmering blur of there and here. Unfortunately, with a full moon comes full problems, as that antler-headed god-demon ghost-thing now appears more frequently to challenge you in a fight. I took it on twice and won, but later would just run to the next screen to avoid it.

But with the moon full, the Scythian could now find more trapped sprites in the environment, eventually getting enough to find the way to the Bright Moon Trigon hid, duking it out with shield and sword until it could fight no more. Pretty much the same way we got The Gold Trigon. Figuring out the correct music cues for each sprite is never hard and always enjoyable, and the reward of that song is all I really ever need in life. I will admit though that I got stuck on the ducks puzzle, as I had completely forgotten the ability to drag items around. That’s part of the problem in a game forcing you to take these long breaks based on moon phases–not everything remains.

So, it seems like there will be a New Moon around December 13, 2012. I guess that’ll be the next time I play more Sworcery. Sigh. I’m not terribly disappointed in having to wait, though it can feel a little limiting, especially considering that I want to play it a whole lot right now, but can’t, unless it’s just walking around, listening to the music, and getting nowhere with Girl. I can do that just fine on my own with the coupled soundtrack I got from the Humble Bundle package, but it’s not quite the same without a tree or bush to click on in rhythm.

A shortened, but solid adventure in Ratchet & Clank: Size Matters

A quick flash of memory: I’m 24 years old, in Target, aimlessly wandering the aisles by the home entertainment section, just killing time. I am alone, as I’m wont to be. I walk by the videogames section and hear that distinct sound of bolts being absorbed by Ratchet as he moves about. Sticking out from an endcap was a demo PSP, with Ratchet & Clank: Size Matters there for anyone to experience. Now, at this point in my life, I had already devoured the original Ratchet & Clank trilogy with extreme pleasure during my formative years, though reflecting back on it I’m not sure which of the three I never beat, but there is one that I didn’t see to the end, and it had to do with a boss battle and grinding rails and losing a lot of health from one hit. Hmm. Anyways, back to Target; I’m standing there, holding a PSP attached to a wall, staring down at a game that looks just like its home console counterparts, a bit of drool beginning to form and escape over my lower lip. Alas, it was not meant to be, as I had already decided on my portable system then and there, a Nintendo DS.

But man, I continued to want to play that Ratchet & Clank game, as well as all the others that came out afterwards for the PlayStation 3, but the systems were not mine or ever going to be mine, and so it was not meant to be. Boo, wah, a thousand tears. That is until I found a PS2 port of Size Matters at my local GameStop last year for a fair price, probably during their buy-2-get-1-free promotions. Generally, console games get ported to handheld devices with devastating results due to size restrictions, but it all switching around the other way seems to be more frequent these days.

It starts off with a vacation. Heck, Ratchet and Clank have surely earned it. Heroic work is quite tiring–at least that’s what I’m told. A young, red-headed girl named Luna–voiced by that woman from MadTV and the one who walks Carrie’s father on Queen of Kings–stumbles upon them and asks for their help with her school report on heroes. Unfortunately, some robots show up and kidnap her, and then Clank finds an ancient artifact from the race of intelligent beings called the Technomites. Captain Qwark shows up too, bummed about never knowing his parents. The plot thickens quickly after that, but saying any more would ruin some surprises.

Gameplay remains, as always, a mix of platforming and shooting. Guns level up with use, and for me, it seemed like they leveled up a whole lot faster than ever before. By final boss time, all of my favorite weapons were at their max level, and I never used the Scorcher or Suck Cannon once, despite enjoying them in previous games. I’ll pour one out for them later on. Ratchet’s health increases too as he defeats enemies, eventually capping at 50 for the first playthrough. There’s a handful of planet to explore, but, as the title indicates, they are not as open and vast as previous games in the franchise. I mean, that makes sense for a portable game, as the planets are almost cut into distinct sections, rather than flowing from one to another naturally.

The concept of armor for Ratchet–which I love–came into play with Going Commando, strengthening itself in Up Your Arsenal, becoming pivotal in Deadlocked, and turning into a toybox in Size Matters. As you travel from planet to planet, you’ll collect pieces of full armor sets, like the Crystallix boots or the Wildfire helmet, naturally aiming for a full set. In the meantime, you can wear any combination of armor pieces to make your own type of suit, which varies on damage reduction and appearance. I played around with this a lot, finding new types of suits simply by mixing and matching. Seems like there are more armor sets in New Game+, too. In the end, I used the full Mega-Bomb Armor set the most.

Seeing as this version is a port from the PSP, visually and technically…it fails. On a larger screen, the environments appear much more bland and empty, and the game itself locked up on me twice for no reason. Cutscenes appear very compressed and lower quality than expected, but other than that, it plays fine. Not the greatest in the franchise, and not the better of the two, but it’s still another Ratchet & Clank game to devour.

Okay, now for something else: Size Matters is a funny title. One, it continues the trend of Insomniac’s games being heavy on the innuendoes despite their Pixar-like look, feel, and overly friendly vibe. Seriously, here’s a couple of ’em, and just try to keep a clean mind as you read: Going Commando, Up Your Arsenal, Quest for Booty, Full Frontal Assault. Right. Two, this title also has to do with the fact that you’re playing a PS2-size game on a tiny portable system. And three, for plot’s sake, you are battling against the Technomites, which are teeny yet highly intelligent beings, and so, on occasion, Ratchet will shrink in size and/or Clank will grow to massive heights.

As with all the Ratchet & Clank games I’ve played so far, you can start over with a New Game+, keeping your weapons, skill points, armor, and bolts, but upping the difficulty, especially for the bosses, and dropping in new versions of leveled guns, as well as special armor sets. Mmm mmm. Usually, I skip New Game+ options, like I did in Deadlocked–yeah, I really need to write a blog post on why some day soon–but I immediately started over, excited to keep going. So far, it seems like you can now add a multiplier to your bolts collecting by defeating enemies in succession without taking a hit, which will definitely help in procuring those finer, mightier weapon editions. Plus, figuring out skill points and finding those large silver bolts to unlock Big Head mode is a totally legit excuse to keep playing.