My brother is an Italian plumber, ask anyone

It’s always nice when an Achievement can surprise you.

Was shooting some skags in Borderlands last night. Pew pew pew splat. Most of them outside of the home base in the Arid Badlands go down pretty easy now that I’m a burly LV. 18 Soldier with some wicked assault rifles and grenades that actually regenerate my health upon killing enemies. A couple took a few more shots than others, and I moved in to finish them off with some melee swipes since I wanted to conserve ammo. And then, unexpectantly, this Achievement popped up on screen:

My Brother is an Italian Plumber (15G): Killed an enemy plumber-style

I wasn’t 100% sure how I unlocked this, but after looking it up, you evidently do damage when jumping on enemies, and I must have taken a skag out in this manner. I seriously thought it had something to do with fire weapons in relationship to picking up the fire flower power (say that out loud, it’s fun). Still, neat and fun, and I’m glad it happened with me oblivious to the fact. Sure, sure, I scanned the list of Achievements for Borderlands, but I didn’t read all of them, and the majority seemed to be unlockable as you gradually proceeded further in the game. No worries then. Play it, and they will come.

All in all, I really like Borderlands…despite its faults. And trust me, I could list them. There are many. A lot of them boggle my mind, and I know that a few more months of development might have polished the game some more. But the shooting is fun, and it needs to be considering, well, that’s basically all you do. Achievement-wise, it’s a great mix of story-based ones, general exploration, do X a number of times, and random gameplay ones (like above). They are unlocking at a nice clip (pun intended), and I’m looking forward to taking on the game’s first major boss: Sledge. Considering how much trouble I had with skag legends Moe and Marley though, I might not be ready for him. Will have to do some more sidequests until I’m at least a LV. 20…

Baby, you can drive my car…in Borderlands (cause I don’t want to)

I’m beginning to wonder what videogames with vehicles would be like without their vehicles. Most likely better, to start.

The Mako in Mass Effect was frustrating to control, and unsatisfying when you finally did get the hang out it because then you’re mostly standing still, bunny-hopping incoming rockets, and firing your own weaponry off into the great distance. Not fun, and it might have just been easier–and more fun–to walk the path from Mako point A to Make point B then drive like a loon. I was extremely glad to hear it got the ax for Mass Effect 2 though they seemed to have added in a flying ship of sorts. Not sure how it controls.

In Banjo Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts, if a single block was off or the wrong type of fuel was attached, the vehicle would be classified in the local paper as 100% jalopy/clunker/hooptie. This made making your own vehicles un-fun, and using the ones provided by the game until you hit a spot where none of them would work. Wish it was a platformer again instead of a car circus.

And Grand Theft Auto IV‘s vehicles are just hahahahaaa ahaha ahahahahah ha. Ahem.

But I’m not here to harp on Mass Effect‘s shoddy future tank or Banjo Kazooie‘s pickiness. No, no. This blog post is all about the vehicles in Borderlands.

To start: WHAT ON PANDORA IS WRONG WITH THEM?

Actually, nothing. But there is something terribly wrong with the control scheme for them. So, once you’re inside the driver seat after accidentally climbing into the gunner seat a few times, you’re ready to burn some rubber around the wasteland. To do so, on the Xbox 360, you have to press forward on the left analog stick. Okay, weird. Old-school design. So how do you steer then? Oh, you also use the left analog stick. “But,” you ask, dear reader, “how can you effectively hold it forward to drive and tilt left/right to steer the vehicle away from sharp rocks?” You can’t.

I really had a lot of trouble figuring out how to use the vehicle once I got in it. And so far, after trying to use it on two missions to speed up travel time, I’ve found myself stuck on a rock or down a ditch thanks to hard-as-vault controls. It really boggles my mind, and I can’t seem to find a way to change the scheme myself. Why couldn’t you hold A for gas and steer with the analog stick? Makes no sense, I tell you.

Now I’m just waiting to unlock fast travel because driving vehicles, especially in a solo game where no one is watching my back or driving for me, is not a good time. Of all time. NOT A GOOD TIME OF ALL TIME. Shooting bandits is much more desired.

Yet somehow–and I assure you there was no skill involved here thanks to previous mentioned controls–I unlocked the following Achievement:

Get a Little Blood on the Tires (20G): Killed 25 enemies by ramming them with any vehicle

Seriously, at this point, I think the only game with vehicles I’ve ever greatly enjoyed is Super Mario Kart. Those things handled perfectly.

Slaying dragons and taking names

Let’s talk about this Achievement I unlocked last night from Dragon Age: Origins, with some light spoilers:

Dragonslayer (30G): Defeated the dragon guarding the Urn of Sacred Ashes

So, the Urn of Sacred Ashes quest is one of the major story-driven quests you can take on whenever you want once you’ve completed the shitstorm at Ostagar. I ended up doing it as my second quest after handling things at Redcliffe, and various forum posters frequently mentioned TO NOT RING THE GONG ON THE MOUNTAIN TOP UNLESS YOU ARE READY FOR A CRAZY BATTLE. I’m paraphrasing there, but the all caps aspect is 100% true. Hmm okay. So I didn’t ring said gong, as I was just a very low level at the time (and playing on Normal difficulty), and then completely forgot about that cutscene where the dragon flew overhead and roared. However, I still got the Urn of Sacred Ashes so…uh, the dragon kind of failed that “guarding” part. Oh well.

But after the Landsmeet, you’re basically told to do anything else you want to do because once you head to Redcliffe again, you’ll be entering the point of no return. Eep. So, last night, I instead ran around to do some more sidequests sitting idle in my questlog, and then remembered the gong. Seeing as my mage was a level 18, and Shale, Alistair, and Morrigan were level 17s, I figured we had a decent shot of taking down a dragon.

And we did, obviously, but it was still a pretty grueling battle. I can only imagine that frustration and heartbreak one might feel taking this dragon on too early in the game. There’s some really great animation work here though, which I hadn’t seen a lot of before because it’s mostly been fights with small-time enemies like bandits, darkspawn, and wolves. The coolest part of the battle happened at the end when Alistair (who I was not controlling) leaped atop the dragon’s head and swung deep with his electrified axe, striking the killing blow. Not sure if that’s scripted or not, but either way, it made the win all the more awesome.

Got some killer loot, too.

With this done, there’s nothing else so major that I want to do before heading for No Return City. Lots of sidequests are still incomplete, but none of them interest me currently, and a couple are based in Redcliffe, meaning…they are impossible to finish at this stage. Woo. So I’m gonna gather my army, try and smooch Leliana one last time, and make a final stand against the darkspawn. For Ferelden!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Borderlands

After a short and lighthearted cutscene, Borderlands is off and running, having you pick your character class. There’s four of ’em, and each relates to typical archetypes a la Diablo II such as the assassin and rogue and tank. I, however, decided to pick Roland, the Soldier class. This is rather surprising and I’ll tell you why: I’m always, hands-down, 100% of the time attracted to stealthy characters. In BioShock, I quickly fell in love and never let go of the plasmid that turns you invisible when standing still. Also, in Fallout 3, one of the first things I did on my very first playthrough was acquire the ninja assassin suit that, more or less, turns you completely invisible. In Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, I would literally hide in the grass for up to twenty minutes, making sure I got enemy movement patterns down and taking extreme caution in every move I made. The boss battle against The End was simply a bowl full of sushi with extra bliss sauce on top.

Case in point: I like taking my time in a gunfight and planning accordingly so as to not ever actually engage with the enemy, but simply take it down hard and fast from a distance. You’d think then that I’d have picked the Siren, a woman all about sniper rifles and phasing in and out the world. But no, I went for the Soldier. Wanted to try playing a game differently for once, and I’m really pleased so far with how it’s turned out.

So, the first chunk of missions are more or less a tutorial, but they do well to teach you the mechanics of the game, and pretty soon the fights begin to intensify, the loot becomes better and plentiful, and the quest log starts to fill up. I played for about two hours last night, got up to level 7, and finished off the first boss, Nine-Toes (also, he has had three balls).

I think the game looks amazing. Rarely has a cel-shaded game ever let me down, and the way the background blurs as you zoom in with your fire-starting pistol is a beautiful touch. The thick outlines and bright character colors contrasting with the drab Fallout 3-like setting make for an eye-grabbing mix. The draw distance isn’t terribly great though like in the newest Prince of Persia where you can see far and wide and it all looks rock solid. And the menu presentation is slick and easy to navigate, which is pretty crucial when it’s all about looting.

My only hesitation so far is in figuring out which weapon is better, and whether or not I should hold on to it or sell it for money. Here’s a helpful tweet tip from fellow Borderlander Greg Noe: It’s good to know about weapon rareness: white > green > blue > purple > orange

Other than that, I just got to the point where I’ve taken on multiple quests at once and have the freedom to explore them at will. Love the challenge log, too, which are like mini Achievements that give you tasks and reward you with experience points. Makes sense to me. Anyways, can’t wait to head back to Pandora tonight!

Well met, Landsmeet

After finishing up my latest review for The First Hour last night, I switched on the ol’ Xbox 360 and to my better judgment…did not play Grand Theft Auto IV. C-c-c-combo breaker!

Instead, I loaded up Dragon Age: Origins, which I had previously taken a break from because the game itself seemed to be at a perfect spot for break-taking. That is, moments before the Landsmeet was to gather and discuss what Ferelden should do about the darkspawn threat, who should be king/queen, and whether or not Loghain is guilty of his purported crimes. Reviews said this was a crucial moment in Dragon Age: Origins, with the potential of game-changing results, meaning party members might up and leave (or worse) depending on what actions you, the Grey Warden, take. Not something you walk into lightly.

Spoilers to follow, readers.

So, with some trepidation, I started the Landsmeet. This was set up like a town hall meeting, with all the different delegates standing around, shouting their claims and strategies. Loghain very quickly enters to try to sway support his way, but the Grey Warden proves to be a thorn in his side. Your goal is to get more votes of support than Loghain. Depending on what sidequests you’ve done, different options come up. I first decided to rat out Loghain’s misuse of elves in the Alienage, upsetting the nobles tremendously. But then I mentioned Alistair and how, seeing that he’s Maric’s kid, should be the rightful king. This didn’t work out well. Eventually, support swayed my way, and Loghain rebeled. I fought him myself in a one-on-one duel, allowing Alistair to lop the turncoat’s head off. Alas, this moment was ruined by the fact that the sound effects of a sword swinging, blood gushing, and viewers gasping were off by three to five seconds. Way to go, beta testers.

But then I had to pick who should be Ferelden’s new ruler, and since Alistair would not stop whining about how he didn’t want it–despite getting both Anora and Alistair to agree to wed and rule in unison–I passed the torch along to her alone. It’s not like she’d want to marry her father’s murderer now. This isn’t the Lifetime channel after all.

So, other than Loghain’s demise, which was not a super shock considering his villainy persistance, the Landsmeet did not surprise me like I thought it would. Nothing terribly dramatic or party-shattering happened. I guess I just made the best decisions and did enough vote-swaying sidequests to make it easier to get Loghain tossed aside. Oh well. It’s done now, and the final battle approaches. Too bad I still have some sidequests to do before heading back to Redcliffe…

Also, I simply love the name and artwork for the Achievement unlocked after the Landsmeet is over:

Rabble-Rouser (20G): Completed “The Landsmeet”

BioWare obviously cares about Achievements. And not just having them, but giving them attention and detail. The Mass Effect series has Achievement artwork that looks like medals or badges earned from military service, and the ones for Dragon Age: Origins so far are like ancient relics forged by the Maker himself. Simply astounding. I don’t think there’s any other company out there currently that puts this much effort into e-peen things that ping. Kudos to them!

Grand Theft Auto IV is so stingy with its Achievements

I’ve obviously not played a ton of Xbox 360 games, but the ones in my small collection certainly handed out Achievements much more…favorably than Grand Theft Auto IV at this point. The game is just simply stingy over them, and I’ve been playing for a decent amount of hours and have only unlocked14 of 65 Achievements. Three of these are story-based. That’s a pretty small number considering the many missions I’ve gone through already. The rest are a mix of mini-game skills, online multiplayer, and miscellaneous tasks done within Liberty City.

I guess I’m just surprised there’s not more random-based Achievements. I mean, it’s a sandbox game. The sky’s the limit. Here’s some I thought of that I’d have totally unlocked already:

Busybody (15G): Ignored 50 phone calls from your friends.

Bombs Away (20G): Blew yourself up with a grenade. Try throwing it next time.

Good Samaritan (50G): Obeyed all traffic laws for ten straight blocks. Red lights have nothing on you.

Bump That Ride (30G): Accidentally bump into 30 cop cars, wasting time losing your wanted level immediately after.

StairMaster (10G): Knock someone down a set of stairs and into someone else.

The Shocker (15G): Steal a car with a female driver and immediately switch the radio to ElectroShock.

Ha. Rockstar, if you’re reading, I’m available for freelancing!

Yeah, those kind of Achievements would be right up my alley. Silly, but doable. Most you wouldn’t even have to think about. One of the big reasons I’m not unlocking a lot of Achievements in GTA IV at the moment is because I’m actively going after Liberty City Minute (30G, Complete the story missions in less than 30 hours.), which is probably not going to happen since I’ve failed missions a lot and didn’t reload. Plus, I’m watching all the cutscenes. After that I’ll go after some of the, um, easier (?) Achievements. Like surviving a six-star wanted level for five minutes. Oh boy.

I guess, in the end, these Achievements really do earn their namesake, but I dunno…the game doesn’t need to be so stringent over ’em. Give a few more out for playing the game and less for being hardcore insane over it, I say.

Secret of the Black Pearl

I have, it seems, discovered the secret to being successful at Hexic HD, and it is this: you have to play early in the morning before you’ve had any kind of java to clear your mind and eyes from sleep. Only in this haze will you be able to form starflowers left and right until you get them fortuitously in place and create a black pearl, the mightiest of pearls, the rarest of gems, just like I did shortly before 8:00 a.m. today.

Oyster-meister (15G): Black Pearl

Trust me, I had to double-check that the ping! I had just heard had actually sounded. I’ve been attempting to unlock this Achievement for quite some time, getting frustratingly close on numerous occassions. And by close I mean one gem away. One. Gem. Away. Oh wells. Pretty glad to get this though, and now there’s really only three (out of 5 remaining) Achievements I’d like to unlock for this puzzler. One takes time, the others endurance.

Hello, I’m a Millionaire Extraordinaire

…but it’s only in Hexic HD points, not money. I know, what a sham!

Anyways, I had some time to kill this morning before heading off to work–I woke up annoyingly extra early, showered, made breakfast, and found myself staring at the clock in disgust to be more specific–so I switched on the Xbox 360 and loaded up some Hexic HD. This is a free puzzle game that I like to play from time to time; it’s not at all calming or soothing, what with its hodgepodge soundtrack, but it wears its addictive values proudly, and I enjoy playing it. Want proof? Well, I unlocked this Achievement after a couple of clearing combos:

Millionaire Extraordinaire (25G): 1,000,000 Total Points

That’s one million points…collectively. Not in just one game. That’d be nigh impossible, but this total amount makes perfect sense considering how much I’ve played Hexic HD since I got the system. So that’s cool. Two other Achievements I’m actively going after Hexic Addict (Complete 100 Games) and Oyster-meister (Surround one piece with six starflower pieces), but those will most likely take some time. I’ve been close a few times on getting a black oyster puzzle piece. Frustratingly close. How anyone eventually ends up getting six of them and then surrounding another piece with all of them is beyond me…

Sex and videogames, oh la la

Last night, I had sex…twice. First with a forest witch, and then immediately afterward with a bisexual assassin.

Before you start spreading crazy rumors around the Interwebz, let me be more specific: I wiggled my way into Morrigan’s arms after giving her 943 gifts and then easily (almost shockingly easy) convinced Zevran to have his way with me in Dragon Age: Origins. Yes, this game offers the chance to have sex with women, men, and even multiple partners at once if you plot enough. That’s great and all. Too bad the actual sex is silly and uncomfortable to sit through.

However, I like that sex is there and that BioWare is willing to make it a part of the game, whether vital or not. So far, it’s all been optional. Getting someone in bed naturally raises their liking of you, but you also have to be careful because your camp is open to all eyes, and certain someones might be disappointed in seeing the Grey Warden put the moves on somebody else.

But back to the uncomfortableness. In Mass Effect, you could woo some of your female/male companions (depending on your gender) and have an intimate moment before things really hit the fan at the Citadel. This made the sex emotional and important, and it was a short scene, with quick glimpses of positions and fingers running here and there and a sense that bodies were in motion. Nothing too crazy, and certainly not worthy of major news channels freaking out. The same could almost be said of Dragon Age: Origins except this time it’s not emotional and important, and with the already weak Xbox 360 graphics…it’s laughable.

I don’t have so much a problem with undressed Morrigan…though her breasts seem to remain magically motionless throughout all the turning and bouncing. Heck, even Zevran was fine. It’s the Grey Warden. He/she is always ugly no matter how hard you try to design them during the character creation phase, and they never look like they are enjoying anything. At one point, with Zevran, my mage grimaced in pain (I’ll let you speculate why). Add to this cheesy “romantic” music and campfire, and well, you’ve got silly sex. Which is a shame because the dialogue leading up to and after the penultimate act is superb, full of life and wit and shy flirting. I’d almost wish they’d faded to black à la Fable II and just let our imaginations run wild.

Well, that’s two out of four:

Witch Gone Wild (10G): Experienced the thrill of romance with Morrigan

Easy Lover (10G): Experienced the thrill of romance with Zevran

All that’s left now is to woo Alistair and Leliana. Poor Shale gets no action…

Go to the Game Room for easy peasy Achievements

Game Room…for the Xbox 360. It’s trying to be old-school and “classic,” trying to evoke feelings of nostalgia and quarter-hunting, but alas it does neither. Instead, kind of how the Star Wars prequels were too clean and pretty to be considered “old,” the Game Room is the, more or less, equivalent of Playstation 3’s Home, but with truly silly decorations and a whole lot less to do.

Upon downloading it, you are given 20 free tokens out of the kindness of the developers’ hearts. These can be used to play arcade machines after you’ve used up your “place once for totally free” card. I played some Centipede and Millipede, always a favorite, before growing bored. The games that come in the free download packs for Game Room are, alas, just not very interesting. In fact, I’d say about 75% of them were brand new to me in terms of familiarity.

What’s kind of odder, however, is the fact that Game Room comes with Achievements. Some of them don’t even deserve the honor of being thought as “things one achieves.” Take for instance the very first one I unlocked:

Show Me! (5G): Visited the Showcase Arcade

Yup. Just loading up Game Room is worthy of Gamerscore. Hmm. There’s even a few more for adding themes and decorations to your personal arcade, all of which is provided for free to you with the download packs. All in all, without purchasing anything, I was able to pop 7 of 56 Achievements. I bet there’s a couple more I could get, too, but no single classic game is calling out to me and my Microsoft bucks just yet. We’ll have to wait and see.

But wait, what was that bit before about the Star Wars prequels? Well, Game Room has a lot of shine to it. Just like The Phantom Menace. Everything is polished and reflective, the themes are elegant and elaborate, and your oddly-shaped Avatars all look like they are having a blast, running back and forth from machines. That’s not how I remember Star Wars IV through VI or arcades. They were dirty and darker, full of grit and noise, crap on the carpet. Special effects and hi-tech gadgetry were as best as they could be, which by today’s standards were nothing James Cameron would even blink at. And where’s the jerks that always lined up their quarters on the machine to let everyone know they were next?

Anyways, it was mildly fun to fool around with for twenty minutes or so, considering the gameplay of the glory day games remains absolutely the same, but ultimately Game Room is just a weird mix of old and new.