Achievements of the Week – The Gangsta in Space with a Lead Foot Reality Climax Edition

Well, after the crazy catch-up from the last Achievements of the Week, this edition is going to look somewhat slim. We can blame that on the living room being way too cold and that my gaming time this week was limited since I began working on a new minicomic, as well as put together a fancy All of Westeros postcard to give out at some upcoming conventions. I did, however, beat Saints Row: The Third over the weekend, and so most of the Achievements come from that title, with Rage slipping in one as I slowly get my way back into that game.

Enough rambling. Let me show you some shiny Achievements.

From Saints Row: The Third…

kill-deckers.exe (25G): Completed ‘http://deckers.die’, 01100010011011110110111101100010.

Readers of Grinding Down might recall I was having some trouble with this mission. Thankfully, after letting the Xbox 360 sit unused for a whole day and reloading the mission from a different hard save, I was able to continue forward with the boss battle, kicking Matt’s ass like only a Saint could. Anyone know what those numbers translate to?

Gangstas…In Space! (30G): Completed Act 3 in another way.

I edited this Achievement’s text to keep y’all unspoiled, but this is basically the one you get when you finish the final story mission. It’s a hoot, y’all.

Have A Reality Climax (20G): Completed all instances of Professor Genki’s Super Ethical Reality Climax.

My favorite activity in Saints Row: The Third, and so it is also the first activity I completed each instance of first. Well, not counting Guardian Angel, but those activities were tied to story stuff. Loved all the funny commentary as I ran around, shooting mascots and dodging flamethrower traps.

Gender Equality (10G): Played for 2 hours as a male and female, we’re an equal opportunity offender.

Yup, I made the switch. You just go to a cosmetic surgery shop, drop some moolah, agree to the fact that this change will be permanent, and poof, there goes your look. Though I did try to maintain as much of my former male self in the process, keeping the weight, hipster glasses, and facial hair in place. I think I make a decent lady and an even more amazing superheroine:

From Rage…

Lead Foot (10G): Win a Race in the Campaign

So, I finally arrived at Goodsprings…I mean, Wellspring, which looks like the main hub city of Rage‘s wasteland. Here you can shop, store vehicles in your own personal garage, play multiple minigames, and race for money. I did the first race available on the easiest level and breezed my way to the finish line. I can only suspect–and hope–that they get a little more challenging down the line.

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That’s it for me. As always, I aim to do even better this week. Gotta play clean-up with Saints Row: The Third and maybe give Rage another shake or two. How did you all do this week? Any long-term Achievement goals for 2012? Speak up in the comments section below for all to read.

Don’t let this post about being stealthy in Skyrim sneak by you

I haven’t touched The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim in a couple of weeks now, but I did put some solid hours into the beast right before Christmas hit. Hey, I had time off of work, and well, I didn’t really know what to do with myself so I just plopped down and teleported away for a bit. From that spree, I was able to finish off the Thieves Guild questline–not counting restoring it to its former glory, which is based around doing a thousand and five miscellaneous tasks for Vex and Delvin–went to jail and then escaped, and polished off a sidequest called The Man Who Cried Wolf, which had the Dovahkiin investigating a cave after rumors of disappearances and strange lights. Also, I got my first skill up to the cap of 100. See here:

Skill Master (40G): Get a skill to 100

Now I’m sure you’re all chomping at the bit to guess which skill I raised to one hundred first. Was it Smithing? Nope. How about Heavy Armor? Um, no. Two-handed Weapons? Unicorn Riding? General Economics? Get real, kids. It was…

SNEAK

Duuuuuuuh. This really should come as no surprsie to anyone that’s been following Grinding Down now and/or for some decent length of time. I love being stealthy in videogames (except when they punish me for going the stealth route ::ahem:: Deus Ex: Human Revolution ::cough::), and since I’ve never been great at swinging swords, blocking with shields, or casting crazy magic spells, I built my character around the battle-plan of creeping through dark dungeons and loosing arrows from afar, hiding in shadows when caught. This works out pretty well except for when I have to fight a dragon or get spotted and then have to deal with a draugr right up in my face.

From what I can gather, the sneak skill increases in a couple of ways. You boost it by literally sneaking around people unnoticed, whether out in the woods or in a cave or potentially inside the hall of some great jarl. The other way is to kill enemies (or animals in the wrong place at the wrong time) without being detected. With an enchanted bow and the perks to zoom in and slow down time, this becomes a piece of sweetroll. And thanks to finishing off the Thieves Guild quests, I now possess the special ability to turn invisible for a significant length of time, useable once per day. Nobody is ever going to see me coming.

There are some downsides to being a sneak master though. I previously mentioned that once you are spotted it can be pretty difficult to defend yourself, especially if there’s more than one foe coming at you. The best tactic I have is to skate backwards and hide in a corner in hopes of them giving up after a few minutes. Because I like to be quiet and not alert everybody to my presence, I can’t bring along companions. I had a companion once; her name was Lydia, and she was loud as all gets, and sadly, something killed her so that I didn’t have to, and missions where I have to team up with someone never work well as they constantly run forward into rooms to say hi to everyone. And lastly, because of my OCD to creep and inch my way forward, going through a single cave can sometimes take up to an hour or more, whereas a warrior-like character would just charge through, smash everything with a mace, scoff at traps, and loot all chests before the fifteen minute mark.

But yeah, I’ve topped Sneak. Haven’t bought the 100 level perk for it yet though, and I’m not sure if I need it exactly, but we’ll see. I kind of like saving my perk points. My next closest skill to 100 is Archery, and after that I need to work on Light Armor or Pick-pocketing. Then nothing will be out of Lohgahn’s reach. And at some point I’ll pick a side (Imperial or Stormcloaks), but if it hasn’t turned out to be a rush after 70 hours or gaming, it probably won’t ever be.

Achievements of the Week – The Wanted Ghost Buster Saving My Quarters Edition

Hey, long time, no Achievements talk! Yeah, my bad. The last iteration of Achievements of the Week was back on December 9, 2011, and I totally planned to continue doing it all through the month, but then a drunk driver hit me as I was driving home and the holidays were in full swing and my depression surfaced with extreme tenacity. But I’m back, yo. I swears it. And I have plenty to report. Again, I’m not listing all the Achievements I unlocked over the last, um, three to four weeks, but some of the ones I liked the most.

And we’re off!

From The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim…

Wanted (10G): Escape from jail

Well, to be honest, this wasn’t as amazing as I thought it might be. I stole something in public, did not resist the guards, was taken to jail, picked the lock with ease, grabbed my gear, and left the Whiterun prison without a single soul aware I was even on the loose. And that’s it.

Darkness Returns (10G): Complete “Darkness Returns”

Finished the Thieves Guild questline…sort of. Seems like to return it to its former glory, I have to do an inane number of miscellaneous quests, which involve a lot of fast traveling, which also means a lot of loading screens. It’s on my to-do list, but not a priority just yet.

From LEGO Harry Potter, Years 5-7…

Shedding Skin (10): Complete “In Grave Danger”

Tara was able to wrap some Scotch tape around my second Xbox 360 controller’s faulty wire, and that seems to have solved the problem of it cutting in and out…for now. This has allowed us to play some co-op again.

From Rage…

Ghost Buster (10G): Complete Ghost Hideout in the Campaign

Waste Management (10G): Complete Wasted Garage in the Campaign

I haven’t played too much of Rage yet, but it’s not bad. Very pretty at times, and very ugly at times in terms of textures not loading. And no, I’m not going to instal 157 gigs onto my hard drive to make the game run better. But yeah, it’s okay. I do hope to play more of it, but I gotta remember to stock up on ammo like woah. Always running out of bullets because I’m terrible at aiming. Also, John Goodman for the win.

From Saints Row: The Third…

I previously shared some Achievements earlier this week, but here’s a another I got just the other day that makes me smile. It sure makes hijacking cars fun and fast.

Bo-Duke-En (10G): 50 quick vehicle hijacks, the Dukes would be proud.

From Marvel Vs. Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds…

Need a Healing Factor (10G): Win a match without blocking. (Arcade/Xbox LIVE only)

Saving My Quarters (20G): Beat Arcade mode without using any continues.

Female Flyers (15G): Make a team composed of women who can fly, and win a match. (Arcade/Xbox LIVE only)

In total, I’ve pinged 16 out of 47 Achievements already in MVC3, and while there’s a handful of others that are attainable, the majority are not. Just like in Street Fighter IV, most of the Achievements require skill, endurance, and grinding. Not really for me, but it’s a nice edition to the collection for those times when Tara and I want to just mash buttons and have seizure-inducing images flash on screen.

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Whew. Told you there would be a lot of ’em. But how about you? What cool Achievements have you pinged since last we met here? Share ’em below in the comments section, folks.

Saints Row: The Third should not have all this fun power

Honestly, I never thought I’d write these words, but I’m having a blast with Saints Row: The Third. The duders over at GiantBomb are mostly to blame, as they would not shut up about the game on every podcast or game of the year debate, and so I finally decided to put my trust in word-of-mouth and got a new copy with some Christmas cash (as well as Kirby’s Epic Yarn, Rage, and Marvel VS Capcom 3 during GameStop’s end-of-the-month sale where you could buy two used games and get one for free). I put it into my Xbox 360 without a real idea of what was to come except maybe some driving and shooting in the vein of Grand Theft Auto IV, a game I loathe. I held my breath and went forward…

Well, I’m about 11 hours into Saints Row: The Third, with a completion percentage around 45%, and it’s been zany, crazy fun from the moment go. From creating your character, to jumping out of a plane, to jumping into a plane, to gimps pulling chariots, to said gimps exploding, to driving Miss Tiger around town, to befriending a huge naked man, to–y’know, I think I’ll stop there for now. Literally every mission is absolutely bonkers and pure joy to talk about, but a majority of it needs to be experienced, as Saints Row: The Third is always aiming to surprise and put a smile on your face. And if not a smile, well, maybe just to lower your jaw a couple inches. In short, it’s a videogame. It’s a videogame that loves being a videogame and only wants to be a videogame for you. It streamlines everything to keep momentum going forward; when you are driving to a mission start locale, you don’t have to get out of the car to begin it, you only need to be near it, and while that’s a small detail, it’s enough to keep things going. Unlike GTA IV, failing a mission is not punishing, as there are many checkpoints along the way, and you can simply reload from there. And hey, do you hate chasing down a car to hijack it? Simply run and press the right button to jump through the car’s windshield immediately. It’s that kind of game.

And yeah, that’s my avatar in the screenshot above. He’s modeled somewhat after moi. You can use the in-game’s cell phone to take screenshots and upload them to a separate website, so expect some more National Geographic quality shots to pop up here and there. I like to dress kinda casual though I do put on a zany hat or kooky outfit when showing the game off to observers. And there was this one time I was wearing a wolf mask and a cheerleading outfit, but let’s just move on, okay…

Got some Achievements so far. This game looks like a fairly easy 1,000 Gamerscore, but it’ll take time, which is a-okay by me. For once, I’m having a blast in an open world with little fear of breaking it or losing all my hard-earned work through things getting too crazy and my dude getting shot to pieces, like in The Saboteur or Red Faction: Guerrilla. Here’s a few goodies:

Ow, My Balls! (10G): Did your first nutshot and testicle assault, sack tapping is bad news kids!

Gellin’ Like Magellan (20G): Explored every hood in Steelport, you’ve been around the world.

Gotta Break Em In (25G): Completed ‘The Ho Boat’ and decided the Hos fate, do you feel proud of yourself?

I do feel proud of myself, Volition/THQ. I saved those hoes from a life of hoeing and whoring under a wrestling masked jerk to work for me, the leader of the Saints, who, by all accounts, is a psychopath. Lucky them.

Right now, before I move on to the next story mission, I’m tracking down all the collectibles thanks to an upgrade bonus that highlights them all on my map. Saints Row: The Third doesn’t care about giving you everything right away, such as a map pinpointing all the hidden items or a VTOL jet early on or the ability to call an airstrike at any point; it just wants you to have a good time, and that’s exactly what I’m going to keep on doing.

Back to blogging and videogame snogging

I did not plan to take two weeks off from blogging about videogames and giving Grinding Down love five days a week. Not one bit.

See, first things first, I was in a car accident. I was coming home from a work-hosted Christmas party, thinking about what gifts I still needed to buy for various family members when, without warning, a car slammed into my vehicle from behind at such a force that I screamed a sound I never knew existed within my being and bounced forward down the highway. I was doing around 65 mph; this person, who, with not much else to go on, I believe was drunk, had to be doing around 80 or 85 mph. They then drove off, leaving me on the side of Route 80, scared and uncertain. So I had to spend a few days dealing with that, as I was actually in a rental car at the time of impact and had to go to a police station, get an accident report, pick up my true car Bullet, and so on, so on, so on.

Then came the holidays themselves. This is the year I learned that, well, I’m not going to love the holidays as much after losing my mother to cancer last December. Makes sense, really, and so my depression surfaced to a magically new high. I played a lot of videogames, as I’m wont to do when down in that ditch, but I couldn’t get myself to write about them. I just hid in them and used them for quick hugs and abused them for ways to avoid all things real, all things scary. But I’m back now. I think. Yeah, hopefully. Gotta make the best out of this manic phase before I swing back low, right?

So, the year of 2011 has come and gone, and it’s that time for those Game of the Year roundups. I offered my picks over at The First Hour, naming…L.A. Noire as my Game of the Year! Yeah, woo. Play that game, y’all, if you haven’t yet. I also call out Bastion, Fallout: New Vegas, and Monster Tale as pretty great experiences, which should be obvious to anyone that follows this little blog here. I write about those games lots. Go check it out, even if Greg still doesn’t love exploring the Mojave Wasteland.

Throughout all this quiet time, I’ve played many, many games. Seriously, dear readers. A ton of ’em. Here’s just a few to whet your collective whistles: Ratchet & Clank: Size Matters, Saints Row: The Third, Rage, X-Men Legends II: Rise of Apocalypse, Kirby’s Epic Yarn, Pushmo, and Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island. Again, to name a few. There’s more. And I have a lot of blog posts bouncing around my rabbity head, so stay tuned. Cause I’m back at this. I hope.

Oh, and Happy New Year!

Achievements of the Week – The Gambling Rear Entry Escape Edition

Weed, soup, faux air hockey, and Zombine attacks. That about sums up my week on the Xbox 360, but for further clarification, let’s take a look at some Achievements that popped. I’m getting close to 30,000 Gamerscore, which is exciting to nobody but me, and that means I will have to try really hard to get it to land on 30,000 exactly for blogging purposes. You may all start waiting in anticipation starting…now!

Okay, let’s do this.

From L.A. Noire…

So, back duringthose tempting Black Friday sales, I purchased some Microsoft Points and downloaded the remaining two DLC cases I’ve yet to play so far for L.A. Noire. Namely, they are Reefer Madness and A Slip of the Tongue. As always, they were enjoyable and strongly plotted, but far too short again. I finished both in one sitting. I guess, ultimately, this is the type of game I just want more, more, and more of. Sigh…

Femme Imbécile (20G): Correctly branch every question in the interview with Jean Archer.

On my first try, too, without even knowing this Achievement existed! Love that.

Forcible Rear Entry (20G): Enter the Las Palmas stash house via the back door and kill Juan Garcia Cruz.

NO COMMENT.

Soup in the Pot (20G): Open both soup cans in Juan Garcia Cruz’s stash room.

My OCD to check everything lead to this popping. Mental sickness for the win!

From Beyond Good & Evil HD…

Gamble King 2 (15G): Win 3 times in the pellet game against Francis

I think I built this minigame in my mind to be tougher than it actually was. Haven’t played it in so long, and I do remember a lot of grumbling at one point. From me, that is. Francis was loving winning all of Jade’s money back then. But beating Francis three times in 2011 did not take long, just persistence and a keen awareness of where all the pellets are at any given time. Will need to play again later though to win his pearl, but that’s for later.

From Half-Life 2: Episode One…

After Half-Life 2 glitched out on me and ruined all my progress, I said “frak it” to no one in particular and moved on to the next game in the series, which is more of a bite-size experience, but still fun since the gravity gun mechanics remain pivotal to surviving.

Citizen Escort (15G): Don’t let any citizens die when escorting them to the escape train.

Only had to reload a few times due to this one silly citizen constantly getting stuck on a ladder and getting a chest full of bullets for it. Silly citizens.

Escape from City 17 (20G): Escape City 17 with Alyx.

On to Half-Life 2: Episode Two…soonish! I swears it.

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How did y’all do this week? If you don’t tell me in the comments section below, I’ll never know.

Switch glitch in Nova Prospekt level brings Half-Life 2 to a halt

I keep running into these horrible glitches, but this one’s the worst. Mostly because I can’t seem to find a way around it save for starting Half-Life 2 over entirely, something I’m not interested in at all. Especially considering how long it took me to get to the Nova Prospekt level, which I’d estimate is about three-fourths of the way through it all. Let me explain the problem though.

In the Nova Prospekt level, Gordon Freeman has a bunch of antlions on his side, which make fighting off armed soldiers a lot easier. You just toss this weird, alien ball at a group of them, and the antlions pounce like it’s feeding time. Well, for them, I guess it really is. We’re indoors, at what looks like a security prison of sorts. You eventually stumble across an alien that was tortured to death, and a switch upstairs that opens the main gate, which I assume leads to the level’s exit. I assume because I don’t know. The switch won’t switch on. It just stays red. When it’s on, it should turn green and open some doors. But it does nothing. I even tried throwing a computer keyboard at it.

The worst is that the game autosaves a millisecond before approaching the switch. And unlike Fallout: New Vegas and Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, I do not make a thousand and seven saves. I figured my journey through a linear shooter wouldn’t need it. So, I have a hard save from the beginning of Nova Prospekt and an autosave moments before the switch is to be flipped; reloading neither worked. The switch will not turn on, and after looking around online, I found some other Half-Life 2 players frustrated with the same problem. Sigh…

So, I did something I hate to do: I skipped ahead. Without knowing how Half-Life 2 concludes, I quit to the main menu and started up Half-Life 2: Episode One, and boy was I confused. I guess, in some manner, I know how the previous game ends, but the opening cutscene with the aliens, um, making sexual gestures with Alyx was particularly disturbing. Also, looks like the world has gone to rubble. And dark clouds. And crazy electric storms. Gordon and Alyx, now armed with some vital computer data, have to make it out alive. Episode One plays just like Half-Life 2, but–to my happy surprise–is much more focused and direct, with little room to get lost. Just runnin’ and gunnin’, with no more driving sequences (so far).

Popped a couple of Achievements that I liked, too:

Watch Your Head! (5G): Make it to the bottom of the Citadel’s main elevator shaft in one piece.

Grave Robber (5G): Steal a Zombine’s grenade.

I think this came up shortly after Alyx’s Zombine joke, which was adorable.

Attica! (5G): Destroy the gunship in the hospital attic.

There’s more, but I’ll save ’em for the next edition of Achievements of the Week. Looks like I’m actually on the last level of Episode One, trying to safely get some citizens on a train, which is a little shocking, seeing as I’ve only logged about three hours of gameplay, but probably a good thing. Small chunks of Half-Life 2 are okay with me, especially when I can get through them sans glitches. Think I’ll move on to Episode Two next, and then spend some time reading the Internet on what I missed at the end of Half-Life 2. Because I’m not going back and playing that thing over again; you couldn’t pay me money to drive that horrible airboat or take down that hunter-chopper again. Well, wait. That depends, I guess. It’d have to be a lot of money. Throw down your best offer.

Achievements of the Week – The Chair-ismatic Expert from Tethyamar Edition

So yeah, I forgot to do Achievements of the Week last week, but I doubt any of y’all noticed. It was Black Friday, after all. The day after one eats too much food and drinks too much wine and sleeps a little too well. Or not at all if you’re into that crazy shopping craziness. But fear no more, for I have recovered and am back to bring you up to speed. Naturally, I’m slipping in Achievements from both that week and this one.

And here we go!

From Dungeons & Dragons: Daggerdale…

Welcome to Tethyamar (10G): Complete Tutorial – Descent into Darkness

That’s actually all I’ve done so far with this one. Seems like a by-the-books hack-and-slasher, which is fine, really, if a little bland. The cutscenes are nicely animated in that “motion comics” kind of way. The only strangeness is that nobody speaks in the game. Not a soul. All dialogue is written, but accompanied by LEGO-esque grunts and mumbling. It cracks Tara up.

From LEGO Harry Potter, Years 5-7…

He’s Back! (10G): Complete “A Veiled Threat”

Chair-ismatic (10G): Complete “Out of Retirement”

Just some story-related Achievements. Nothing terribly special, but I like their names nonetheless. For the really not special ones, see my thoughts on Idling and Avid Reader.

From The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim…

Expert (25G): Reach Level 25

Taking Care of Business (10G): Join the Thieves Guild

I’ve joined, but I’m barely accepted yet. Seems like I need to do a lot of miscellaneous jobs, such as shilling nice folk and breaking and entering locked buildings, before Lohgahn can be loved.

Dragonslayer (50G): Complete “Dragonslayer”

Hey, I just wrote about this bad boy!

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That’s it, more or less. I already showed off the two I got so far in Beyond Good & Evil HD, and while I did download two more DLC case files for L.A. Noire, I’ve not yet found a moment to play ’em. Kicking the World-Eater’s ass took priority. This weekend is looking good though for some more crime scene investigating.

What have you unlocked recently?

The problem with too many quests and bosses that glitch in Skyrim

[Major spoilers abound for the following two end-game quests: Sovngarde and Dragonslayer. You’ve been warned.]

I completed Skyrim‘s main quest last night. It happened faster than I expected, and that’s a funny thing to say for someone whose only character’s save slot is just tipping over 60 hours of logged adventuring. But yeah. Read and weep:

Dragonslayer (50G): Complete “Dragonslayer”

Here’s how I operate within open-world games. I start out strong, following the main path and getting everything in place for the major events to happen. I do this for awhile, and I do this all as an upstanding guy, a goody two-shoes, a real hero. But then a scientist wants me to find out what happened to the plants in Vault 13 or some Krogans are interested in getting sushi from the lake in the Presidium or a deceased woman’s mother is looking for closure, something only I can provide–and that’s it. I’m gone for hours, days, in-game weeks. Maybe even months. I forget what I was once doing, and other tasks begin to pile up, constantly reminding me, constantly blocking out the past. At some point, the mental tug is too much, I just internally say okay, whatever and rush through the rest of the game so that I can enjoy my mindless wandering in peace.

So, I did that. I went to Sovngarde to search out Alduin, the World-Eater, and snuff his snout out for good. It’s a misty realm, brimming with legendary Nord warriors–of now and then–and to get into their Hall of Valor, you must defeat the gate guardian Tsun. Well, defeat isn’t right. Basically, you have to knock out at least half his health, and he’s extremely tough. Lohgahn, as a level 30 archer, had to rethink strategies and reload a few times because two hits from Tsun’s weapon was enough to trigger a kill-cam. I mention this because–and this is where concluding Skyrim gets truly sad–Tsun was harder than the game’s final boss. Which is a dragon that eats worlds. Yeah,  I know.

Also, the Hall of Valor was the glitchiest location so far. I stood in wonder as a goblet on a table popped in and out of existence. Same happened with parts of tablecloths. And if you looked out one of the windows and glanced down, it was just a wash of dirt soup. Maybe this was due to the fact that the hall is filled with characters, or maybe that latest patch did worser things.

When it comes time to fight Alduin, you get help. Three Nord warriors from the Hall of Valor join you, which is great as they draw Alduin’s attention away, giving Lohgahn plenty of time and space to cast Dragonrend and loose some poisoned arrows. But then, as Alduin’s health dropped below the halfway mark, I noticed something–he was stuck, his left leg deep beneath the ground, cut off in a crude way. And he wouldn’t turn around. I switched to my treasured Mace of Molag Bal and beat on his scales. The dragon never turned around to fight me. Maybe he was too distracted from the others, or maybe he was glitched. The underwhelming fight ended with Lohgahn returning to his perch and loosing a few more arrows. How terribly dull and ironic; Alduin never even knew the Dovahkiin was there.

Well, with that done I can get back to my disturbingly huge list of side quests and miscellaneous quests. There’s an old woman in Whiterun who always asks me if I found anything out about her son whenever I pass. I guess this is a quest I agreed to very early on in my playthrough. Unfortunately, I don’t remember why. Was her son kidnapped? Lost somewhere? Guess I’ll have to play detective and do a lot of searching through my lists to find the right one. That’ll at least get me on the right path, but the urgency is certainly gone, and now it feels like something Lohgahn’s obligated to do. Hmm…

In short, Skyrim‘s main quest is underwhelming, but at least now I can begin checking off my to-do list. If you beat the main quest, how did you find Alduin at the end? As tough as his name implies or easier than harvesting wings off a butterfly? Speak up. I’m curious to know.

Avid reader and avid button-masher in LEGO Harry Potter, Years 5-7

Tara, as LEGO Hermione, was running around Fred and George’s newly opened joke shop Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes, blasting things apart for studs and solving yet another extremely cryptic puzzle. It took her at least five minutes to realize that I wasn’t with her, let alone moving LEGO Harry around the map.

Where was I? On the store’s ground floor, right in front of a Quibbler dispenser, reading. Laughing and reading. Well, LEGO Harry was doing that–in truth, I was just mindlessly mashing the B button to earn this little zinger:

Avid Reader (25G): Use a Quibbler dispenser 25 times

The Achievement’s description is displayed just above, but it could totally say “Press the B button 25 times” and call it a day. Because that’s all I did. You press B, LEGO Harry pulls an issue of The Quibbler out of the dispenser, glances at it, chuckles, and tosses it into some invisible void where it disappears completely. Then you press B and start it again. Do that 25 times total, and you “earn” an Achievement.

I dunno.

The Quibbler, for those that don’t know, is a tabloid within the Harry Potter universe. It’s published and edited by Xenophilius Lovegood, Luna’s father, and is often considered odd and full of rubbish. Many don’t take it seriously. However, I’m now imagining an alternate time and place where, like in L.A. Noire, picking up a newspaper/The Quibbler kicks off a mini cutscene that fills in some plot exposition without slowing the pace down during the main missions. Given The Quibbler‘s love of strange, random stuff, which is in line with the LEGO videogames, the developers could have done something similar to this. Maybe not 25 times, but 10 or less, and it would make picking up The Quibbler so much more special. Alas…

The LEGO videogames do have moments of genius when it comes to their Achievements, but more or less, they fall into generic tropes of do X action Y times. Those are never exciting. I loved hiding in a barrel as Professor Snape and unlocking Solid Snape in the previous title. Doing five backflips in a row in LEGO Pirates of the Caribbean is a feat worthy of Try Wearing a Corset. The Achievement Shot to the Goon (defeat 8 goons in 8 seconds) from LEGO Batman at least makes doing X a test of skill and not simply a test of mindless endurance.

I guess the thing that bothers me so much about this Achievement is that it takes the place of the what-could-have-been. Like, give us something for falling to our deaths a lot when navigating the moving staircases within Hogwarts. Or how about a slice of Gamerscore for enlarging Hermione’s head with the Engorgio Skullus spell? See, it’s really not that hard, and unaware gamers can earn just plenty from playing the story levels and so on. That said, if you are reading this and work for Traveller’s Tales and need helping designing the Achievements for LEGO Harry Potter 3: Out of Retirement, I’m available for hire.