The top five job boards in videogames

I’ve been playing some Rage recently–mind you, just a bit–and once you get to Wellspring, the first main hub city, you have the opportunity to pick up sidequests from a job board located next to where everyone is knee-deep in rounds of Tombstones. Which reminded me just how much I love picking up miscellaneous tasks on an open forum. Surely there are others out there, and unfortunately the bulletin board from Animal Crossing: Wild World does not really count as it exists only to post funny, strange, and disturbing notes about your neighbors…

And so, without any further blathering on my part, here’s my top five videogame job boards. If I’m to be honest, there’s was not much to pick from, at least from my gaming experience. May I continue to find more boards in the future.

5. Rage

The job board in Rage is extremely ho-hum, but it’s still something to constantly check in on even if it ultimately doesn’t offer a ton of new quests. However, some of the sidequests, when selected, take you directly into the action, which is a nice feature considering the wasteland is a dangerous place for travelers. And yeah, I love just how big it states what it is: JOB BOARD. Otherwise, it’s perfunctory at best.

4. Dragon Quest IX: Sentinels of the Starry Skies

Sorry about the Japanese screenshot, but couldn’t find one in English. Let me explain then. In Dragon Quest IX, when inside the Battle Records menu, you can select Quests, which brings you to another menu screen, with two more options available: Normal Quest and Extra Quest. Above these is pictured a bulletin board, with unreadable scraps of paper pinned to it. Oh man, and I just checked, and I still have like seven pages of undiscovered extra quests to do. Might have to get back into this one. Such a summer game…

3. Dragon Age: Origins

Side quests in Dragon Age: Origins pop up in a number of ways, and one of them is by visiting a Chanter’s Board. I think I found my first one in Lothering, but there’s others in Redcliffe Village and the Denerim Market District. Since these tasks are being handed out by the Chantry, most help the already rich and powerful. But they are worth doing as each task provides a monetary reward, and you need money to buy bigger backpack space as soon as you can. Also, love the parchment look of the quests, as well as the “seal of approval” at the bottom of the description page. Nicely done, BioWare.

2. Borderlands

Okay, okay, technically they call this a Bounty Board, but it all means the same: moar questz. These are scattered throughout Pandora, and when there are new quests to pick up, a giant, floaty exclamation mark stands tall, making sure you know what is what. Turning in a quest and immediately picking up another is a wonderful carrot-on-a-string tactic, and I had more fun leveling up on the side then going through the main story missions in Borderlands. Most quests found here are given anonymously, but they do offer up experience points, cash, and either a new gun or artifact. They better return in Borderlands 2 or else…

1. Final Fantasy XII

When I graduated college and moved to northern New Jersey to get a big-boy job, I went for a few months in a studio apartment without the Internet. Thankfully, I had Final Fantasy XII to obsess over. And no, this isn’t about hte License Board. Instead, I’m all about the hunts after joining Clan Centurio and becoming best buds with Montblanc. See, in the world of Ivalice, monsters are constantly causing trouble, and so people have to list Marks or Elite Marks on a board in town in hope of help; Vaan and his crew can set out to kill them when and how they please. I can’t say for certain without checking my save file how many marks I took down since I last played in, um, 2006, but am pretty sure it was plenty. These mini-bosses were adventures all on their own and made collecting and leveling up a challenge, but so totally worth it.

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Okay, those are my picks. Did I miss a favorite job board of yours? Tell me about it in the comments below.

The Top 10 Videogames I Didn’t Get to Play in 2011

I did this type of list last year–and by last year, I mean 2010–and to say that it was well received is me being honestly humble; The Top 10 Games I Didn’t Get to Play in 2010 ended up gracing the home page of WordPress.com for a week and change, meaning that anyone and everyone visiting the site saw an adorable puppy with sad eyes drawing them into a post about missing out on a bunch of popular videogames. And it got looked at. A lot. Around 15,200 views and over 140 comments in just a few days, a high majority of them from really nice commenters, too. Thanks, WordPress people! We’ll see if I can bottle magic for a second time.

10. Batman: Arkham City

He may be the hope that flies through the night sky in black, but he’s also unplayed. Same with the previous game Batman: Arkham Asylum. The game(s) seem really cool, with a mix of action, stealth, and as many cameos the devs can squeeze in, but I’ve somehow managed to avoid all things batty. Not on purpose. I like Batman much more than Superman (but less than Spider-Man). Maybe I’ll grab one of these in 2012 to help get in the mood for The Dark Knight Rises.

9. STACKING

 

I like weird games, mostly because weird games take chances, thus earning the adjective of being weird. Stacking seems like a weird game, which is why it is intriguing to me. Plus, the way the characters hop around the world reminds me a little of how I design my Supertown and All of Westeros characters, even though those in Stacking do have arms, legs, noses, and ears. Good for them. The price tag (1200 MS Points) for this downloadable has always kept me at bay so I’m hoping for a sale sometime soon.

8. Aliens: Infestation

Here’s probably the first (and last) Aliens game I’m interested in. The goal is shooting alien creatures without remorse, and this objective plays out in a Metroidvania way, with a unique hook of main characters being totally and completely killable. You literally have X number of lives to beat the game, I guess. There’s some gorgeous spritework here, and the level design is ripe for exploration. Alas, I don’t know much about the source material, as I’ve only ever seen one film from the franchise, and I couldn’t tell you if it was Alien or Aliens, but it did have a robot at the end bleeding milk all over the place, but I’m a sucker for anything that shows its love for side-scrolling pilgrimages and does it well.

7. Alice: Madness Returns

I have a strange relationship with American McGee’s Alice; that’s a game that I actually played co-op with a girlfriend even though it was not a co-op game. She controlled the moving of Alice, and I used items and weapons from the other side of the keyboard. It was a disastrous time, and we rarely worked well together, but it was one of the few games she ever became interested in, and was adamant about us playing it together. Ah, young love affection. What a farce.

And so that game has been stuck in my being ever since, evoking a time I’d like to not go back to. However, Alice’s next journey in Alice: Madness Returns looks like fun, maybe even darker than before if that’s possible. The game got mediocre reviews, but I’m more interested in just going at it all by my lonesome.

6. Red Dead Redemption

Here’s a game that was also on my 2010 list, meaning a whole year went by and I’ve still not been able to ride a horse, skin a bear, and shoot a unruly vagrant. I want to, I really do, and I was close to purchasing the Game of the Year edition, which nicely collects all the many DLC packs into one package, but instead went with Mass Effect 2. I still don’t love Grand Theft Auto IV, but I named L.A. Noire as my game of the year, and have hopes that Red Dead Redemption is more like the latter and less like the former. Yeah, yeah, I know people refer to it as Grand Theft Horse, but maybe there’s more to it than that. Or maybe you’ll see this title on yet another edition of this list come the end of 2012.

5. Terraria

This year, I was able to give Minecraft a spin thanks to a free, limited-time copy with the purchase of one of the Humble Indie Bundles. I struggled at first, both with what the point of the game was and then also surviving the darkness, but that was enough for me until it comes out on the Xbox 360. Terraria is seemingly Minecraft’s cousin, but it only works on a PC, and since I use a Mac…well, you do the math. The graphics and slower gameplay seem more appealing to me than that in Minecraft, but it’ll have to wait until I can get a new pooter.

4. Assassin’s Creed: Revelations

True fact: I totally skipped Assassin’s Creed II and went straight to Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, and I’m totally at peace with that. Why? Well, AC:B turned out to be simply fantastic. A strong story, lots to do in a well-designed setting, and a unique take on online multiplayer stabbing. Though Ubisoft might be spitting out these games a little too fast, Assassin’s Creed: Revelations seems to be more of AC:B, and I’ve heard that the changes to online multiplayer are significant. I’ve held back because I’ve heard that for a game with revelations in its title, there is actually little to that point. Going to wait until the price drops down to $30 or so, me thinks.

3. Portal 2

So, 2011 was the year that I caught up with the world and played–and beat with minimal walkthrough assistance–Portal. Yeah, go me. However, I did struggle with a few puzzles, almost to the point of blunt frustration, and that’s been the biggest roadblock for Portal 2; I’m interested in the story and learning more about Aperture Science and their ultimate plans, but not having to deal with the mind-benders and brain-twisters to get there. Sure, I could read a wiki or watch videos online, but that’s just silly. Alas, I kinda doubt I’ll ever get to this one.

2. Kirby Mass Attack

Without a doubt, Kirby is Nintendo’s lab experiment. When they want to try something new or risky or off-the-wall, they just use Kirby as the flagship. Over the years, he’s been turned into yarn, forced to ride a rainbow, and also enter air kart races. His latest adventure on the DS (not the 3DS, mind you) involves clones. Kirby Mass Attack retains the look of those classic Kirby game, but throws in new puzzles solvable with multiple Kirby copies, and it’s all controlled with the touchscreen. This one was released right around the same time as Professor Layton and the Last Specter, and I only had enough funds to get one or the other, and so it’ll have to wait for a later date.

1. The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

The last great game for the Nintendo Wii. At least that’s what journalistic people are saying about The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, and I’m sure they are right as there definitely doesn’t seem to be anything else in the pipeline before the dumbly-named Wii U drops. And there’s always reason to be excited for a new Zelda game, but I still struggle with the idea of actually playing this on a Wii, with a Wii controller, doing Wii-like things. Visually, it’s so pretty. Like a painting come to life. It also sounds like a mighty slow crawl for those first few hours. Going to hold off for now and wait until it drops in price, but who knows how long that could take.

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Well, I think that’s it.

Other contenders that I didn’t play and didn’t make this list include Solatorobo: Red the Hunter, Dead Island, Dragon Quest VI: Realms of Revelation, Lost in Shadow, and Rayman: Origins. Yeah, I got some things to catch up on. We’ll get there, surely. But what about you, dear readers? What games from 2011 did you miss out on? Speak up below in the comments.

The Top Five Worst Fishing Minigames

Some of my favorite memories are based around fishing, which I find funny as it’s an activity I haven’t done in many years. Or desire to do anymore. I don’t mind crabbing and pulling up traps to see if anything crawled on in, but hooking a worm and just waiting for a tug is no longer ideal for me. Plus, the last time I went fishing, I ended up standing still for so long that the back of my legs got some wicked sunburn on them, an unfortunate lesson definitely learned.

And yet, when it comes to videogames, there’s something addicting about fishing minigames and trying to catch the biggest or rarest sea critter possible. Crack-like, almost. In some games, fish means food. Others use it as just a means to money. And some have it simply for the sake of another thing to collect. To this day, I’ve still not caught a coelacanth in Animal Crossing: Wild World, but I know my sister has, and for that, boat-loads of respect. I did get every other fish and enjoyed every minute of it.

However, this list is not about my favorite fishing minigames. No, this one’s all about those that didn’t do it for me, that were too complicated or not deep enough. These are the ones that should’ve been tossed back in during development.

5. The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass

To unlock the fishing minigame, Link has to first complete a totally optional sidequest. One that’s easy to miss, too. Something to do with a mermaid, and I don’t remember any of the details except that your reward is a fishing rod. You can then go fishing, which uses the DS touchscreen to its fullest: tap to cast your line, then place stylus over Link and pull down on him without ever lifting the stylus off the touchscreen, and if you are good enough, you’ll snag a fish on your hook. Now it gets even tougher. Two meters pop up, distance and your rod’s strength, and you have to pay attention to both as you try to reel in your catch. LET GO and PULL constantly pop up on the top screen. It can take several tiring minutes to be successful, and I think I only caught two fish in total before not caring anymore. The minigame was too hard, too technical.

I had more fun using the ship’s crane to pull up underwater treasure chests. If only it could snag fish, too.

4. Final Fantasy XII

I spent well over 70 hours romping through Ivalice, completing as many marks as I could safely find, filling out the license board, and killing judges with extreme glee–and yet I never stumbled across the fishing minigame. Oh, it’s there. I’ve seen talk of it on the Interwebz. But like the entry just above in this grand ol’ list, you really have to work towards unlocking it. According to others, the fishing minigame becomes available after Vaan and the gang visit the Draklor Laboratories area during the main plot. However, to get the most out of the minigame, several mark hunts have to be completed, as well as the Barheim side-quest. I’m guessing I never did any of that stuff. Supposedly, the fishing game consists of a very basic button memory test, with six opportunities to catch a bottle or fish. Through this, you have the chance to catch the ultimate reward, the Lu-Shang Badge, a key component of the most powerful weapon in the game. I consider it one of the worst fishing minigames because it seemed to be dropped into the game like an afterthought.

3. Magician’s Quest: Mysterious Times

This game is, for all intents, a Hogwarts-themed clone of Animal Crossing: Wild World, which would lead many to believe that I’d absolutely love it. But no, I don’t. The devs added a middle man to their fishing minigame, one that’s fairly annoying. In AC:WW, you catch a fish and you either donate it to the museum or you sell it directly to Tom Nook for some sweet bells. In MG:MT, you catch a fish, and your only choice is to donate it to a magical book, which will then give you an item based on the type and size of the fish, which you can then bring to the local shop to sell for some money. It’s a slow, unpredictable process, but unfortunately it’s one of the main ways to make money to buy new brooms and CDs. If only you could just take the fish to the shop and cut out the middle man book.

2. Nier

My experience with Nier so far has been this, word for word, fish fail for fish fail. I’d like to play some more of the game, as there were a few interesting bits, but if there’s any more story-related fishing quests, I don’t think I can soldier on.

1. Professor Layton’s London Life

Yup, a minigame within a minigame–and it’s atrocious. Fishing seems simple enough in London Life: acquire a fishing outfit, find a good spot, and cast away. When the exclamation mark appears above your avatar’s head, press the action button to reel in the fish. The wet noodle is that it’s seemingly random. If you’re not fast enough–and you have to be super fast as one millisecond off is enough to fail–you won’t catch the fish and lose a ton of Happiness. Maybe between 2,000 to 3,000. Which only then makes catching fish even harder, as a happy fisherman is a successful one.

And right now, I have two quests for one character. Deliver a note, and the other is to catch two Thames trout. However, I can’t turn in the former quest until I complete the latter, and that might take awhile as I’ve tried numerous times to catch these special fish. It’s frustrating, and I find myself trying once, losing Happiness, and going off to do some other actions.

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More than likely, I’d rather be really fishing than testing my patience with these fishing minigames. Got any fish stories of your own? Speak up in the comments below!

The top five greatest things about L.A. Noire

L.A. Noire is not Grand Theft Auto IV set in the 1940s, and for that I’m eternally happy. That’s not what I wanted. I wanted that open-world feel, but more guidance, more direction, and that seems to be the case here, pun intended. A linear game set in an open Los Angeles that, if you want, you can go explore and get lost in and attempt to run citizens over. But you’re a good-natured detective, and a detective like that moves slowly, meticulously, combing crime scenes for clues and interrogating suspects and musing with partners over possible plans of action. Sometimes action takes precendence, with Cole chasing suspects on foot or car, or trying to survive a shootout, or desperately trying to keep his hat on during a fistfight. But it’s the detective work and questioning of suspects and branching paths that make L.A. Noire its own game, and not just Grand Theft Los Angeles.

Oh, and here are five other great things about L.A. Noire:

5. Make a face, any face

This might surprise some to find my praise of the facial animation not number one of this insignificant list of mine, but that’s how I roll. I like the face work, I do. It’s very impressive, especially considering that both Tara and I immediately recognized Greg Grunberg as Hugo Moller just on his face alone. We were like, “Hey, it’s that guy!” And we were right. It was that guy. And we recognized him before he spoke, whereas it is often the opposite that confirms a suspicion about a voice actor in a videogame. And then Hugo began to talk, and it was like I wasn’t even in a videogame anymore, just a show on TV, where a guy was being questioned, and he was answering accordingly, twitching and looking away and furrowing his brow as we all do, and we had judgment calls to make.

4. All that jazz

In the late 1940s, after the horror of World War II, music reflected American enthusiasm tempered with European disillusionment. Jazz and solo singers breaking free from big band ensembles ate up the limelight, and Rockstar took it a step further for L.A. Noire‘s soundtrack, utilizing the remixing skills of some of today’s best DJs to create new versions of the old. Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, and Lionel Hampton are re-imagined in spectacular ways. Take a listen, I promise you that the songs are intoxicating and hypnotic. It’s a shame that I don’t drive around more to listen to them, but more on that in a bit.

3. That carrot is not irrelevant

When at a crime scene and searching for clues, Cole can pick up and inspect a number of items, many of which are either red herrings or simply inconsequential to the case. My favorite pick-ups are inside a suspect’s house, where Cole will meander into the kitchen, pick up a carrot, and stare at it for minutes before finally deciding that, yes, it’s most likely not the murder weapon. I’ve also noticed his love for picking up boxes of laundry detergent. Either way, it’s nice that they kept these items in, as it does give the feeling of truly examining a crime scene, no matter how silly they ultimately are. Always examine shoes, too.

2. Baby steps up the stairs

Y’all might think the facial motion capturing work in L.A. Noire is its greatest achievement, but you’d be wrong. Somehow, after seven years of programming and coding and researching, the people at Rockstar and Team Bondi were able to perfectly capture the way people climb stairs. If you don’t hold down the run button, Cole will climb a set of stairs in itty bitty steps, bobbing his head all the way up, like a jogger running in place. It’s hilarious and at the same time instantly recognizable; we’ve all gone up stairs like this at one time or another, placing both feet on each step all the way to the top, and it only helps to nail down immersion and authenticity.

1. You drive, I’m lazy

Most cop-work is done in pairs. Partners are not just a stereotype of the cop genre, but an integral aspect of working the streets and solving crimes. Plus, they can act as a personal chauffeur. At just about any point, you can hold down a button and have your partner drive to the next location. This is wonderful. You still get to listen to the interactive dialogue you’d hear if you yourself drove, but now you can listen without worrying about running into another car or careening off a cliff. If there’s no dialogue to be had, you simply warp to the desired location via a short loading screen. Again, this is wonderful.

One of my biggest gripes with Grand Theft Auto IV is how sadistic the mission structure was, often having you drive across two bridges and many miles to start a mission. Upon death or failure, you’d have to do all that again. It was even hard to stay on track in games like The Saboteur and Red Faction: Guerrilla. Here, in L.A. Noire, arrival at your destination is guaranteed. Occasionally, I do drive, but it’s always messy, and I rear-end a lot of cars, which gets my partner all huffy and puffy. Not needed. Hopefully this is something every open-world game can implement though how is not a quick answer to me. The fact that you are constantly paired up with a second person surely helps.

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Don’t think I’m 100% sweet on the game though. There’s plenty I dislike, and if y’all are good and enjoy this post and share it with Reddit and Kotaku and StumpledUpon and the whole Interworld so that I can get rich and famous fast, then I’ll do a post on the five worst things in L.A. Noire.

Top five E3 2011 announced games that I desperately do want

I’ve never really paid too much attention to E3 in the past, but this year I got the itch, and I actually watched some of the press conferences live over the Interwebz as they happened and, thanks to the killer kids at GiantBomb, listened to many podcasts and interviews, as well as devoured every bit of data put out there. And there was a lot to be put…out. Um, that sentence didn’t work as well as I’d have liked, but whatever. Let’s move on.

Videogames! They’re always coming out, and I always want ‘em. And while E3 is usually about the big names, the same ol’ shooters and Kinect jazz hands and next iterations in the big name franchises, there’s also a lot of smaller titles there. Sure, they don’t get the same coverage and applause, but dang it, they should. A lot of them have potential, I promise. More so than the Wii U “experiences” at least.

Here’s the top five games that debuted or were announced at E3 2011 that I want to gobble gobble in the near future. Well, probably not the near future, as many of these titles are still a ways off, but a gamerboy can dream.

5. OverStrike

Insomniac Games is one of my favorite developers, and one of the big losses of choosing the Xbox 360 over the PlayStation 3 was losing access to the wonderful Ratchet & Clank series. So, when the rumormill started churning recently, and word was that Insomniac Games was going to announce a new multiplatform game, well…I got excited. Welcome, OverStrike! It’s not a shared Ratchet & Clank title, but it still focuses on crazy weapons, as well as class-based shooting. I’m usually not fans of these types of games, but knowing what kind of creative team is behind it is more enough for me. Okay, I’m in.

4. Luigi’s Mansion 2

The Internet has been quick to remind us all that the original Luigi’s Mansion was not as good as we are remembering it to be, but phooey on them. I thoroughly enjoyed Luigi’s Mansion, thinking it to be a great change of pace, giving the other brother some love. Hearing him call out for Mario always got a chuckle in the room. Plus, I believe in ghosts, and they should all be vacuumed up for being very real things that really scare me. Think this will be perfect on the 3DS; a little ghost-busting on the go. Okay, I’m in.

3. LEGO City Stories

An open-world GTA-esque game featuring…LEGO characters. Y’all know my deep love for the LEGO games, and y’all know my deep hatred for the majority of GTA-like games. Hopefully, this fusion will be a game-changer. Maybe because it won’t be so serious. The fact that it’s coming out for the 3DS is interesting; hopefully they can fit an entire seamless city on one of those wee carts. Okay, I’m cautiously in.

2. Rayman: Origins

It looks simply gorgeous, retains the same fun and strong side-scrolling gameplay, and is going to allow for user-generated levels. Okay, I’m in.

1. Sly Cooper: Thieves in Time

Sonofabitch, now I need to buy a PlayStation 3. Okay, after I rob a bank, I’m in.

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What newly announced games are y’all excited for? Phineas and Ferb: Across the 2nd Dimension? Shame on you, Grinding Down readers.

The Top Five Most Annoying Videogame Sidekicks

Two’s a party, three’s a crowd. And sometimes even two is too much.

Naturally, I’m talking about sidekicks, and more often than not, they are annoying and useless and just there to get in the way. I mean, how often did Batman really truly need Robin tagging along? Or Wolverine with Jubilee? Granted, those are comic book examples, and videogames handle sidekicks much differently. Often, they are used to help give a tutorial on gameplay mechanics, offer up possible sidequest missions (think about Ratchet’s Clank here), or are just there to chat and fill in story gaps with heavy-handed exposition.

So, as we close in on the time of thanks and giving, Grinding Down would like to spin the world the other way around and moan and groan about some of the worst videogame sidekicks out there with hope that they never come to our aid ever, ever again.

5. The Adoring Fan (Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion)

Meet the Adoring Fan. Amazingly, this guy is your “reward” for becoming the Grand Champion in the Arena. He’s nothing special. He just follows you around and lovingly praises you. He won’t fight by your side as even a single rat is enough to get him running away. His voice is the very reason there is terrorism, and one can find countless videos on YouTube of players pushing him off the land’s tallest mountain. Frustratingly, he does not ever “die.” If killed, he reappears at the Arena a few days later, ready to follow you again, whether it is to his death or not. How annoying!

4. Navi (a whole bunch of Zelda games)

I think many gamers would agree that a box of scrolling text would’ve been a much better choice as a companion for Link than a hyped-up fairy that never shuts its airpiece. I mean, they’d both accomplish the same thing, but one is less obtrusive than the other. I think I’ve mentioned here before that I’ve yet to actually play any N64 Zelda games (gasp!), but I got to partially know Navi through The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass, and the small time spent with it was more than enough to convince me that Navi is Satan’s child, all razzed up on speed and insanity and the power to cling and never uncling. How annoying!

3. Daxter (Jak and Daxter series)

My PlayStation 2 days were filled with platformers. A trilogy of trilogies, I guess you could say. They were the Sly Cooper series, the Ratchet and Clank series, and the Jak and Daxter series. Now, all of them had sidekicks–Sly had Bently feeding him advice, Ratchet had Clank and all his crazy gizmos, and Jak had Daxter who…did absolutely nothing. Except get himself turned into a chatty rodent through the power of Dark Eco. For the first game–and, well, probably the next two–Daxter did little but make small quips when Jak “died,” as well as start trouble during in-game cinematics.

Unfortunately, Jak is one of those silent lead characters, forcing much of the talk on Daxter. How annoying!

2. Stella (Dragon Quest IX: Sentinels of the Starry Skies)

Not to be outdone by Navi, here’s another annoying fairy, this one more of an actual fairy…if inspired heavily by the now out-of-date ganguro craze. She has a horrible flappin’ accent, only cares about herself, and is constantly berating our main hero, as well as her old boss fatguts. There is no good to her, and she’s there for the entire ride through Dragon Quest IX. Occasionally, she awards you Accolades, but that’s nothing to get excited about. If you tap her on the DS touchscreen, she does not explode into a thousand fairy pieces, only gets slightly miffed. How annoying!

1. Your Mother (Pokemon HeartGold)

She tries to do good. She really does. See, in Pokemon HeartGold, one can give your mother some extra money and, while you’re out combing through tall grass for every last ‘mon, she’ll buy you some items. And then call you to tell you that these items can be picked up at the local store. This might seem all cool and great at first, but it’s only after awhile do you realize that the items she is buying you are stupid and a waste of money, and that it would break her heart if you told her to stop, considering it’s all she can do for you, and so you let her waste your earnings. It’s hard to even ignore her phone calls because…well, it’s a call from your mother. You can’t ignore something like that. How annoying!

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P.S. This top five article was inspired by this early morning tweet.

The Top Five Punniest Monsters in Dragon Quest IX

Look, if you’ve been hanging out here at Grinding Down for some time now, then you know one certain thing about me: I love puns. Heck, I even tag a bunch of my entries with “pun” so I can quickly go back and chuckle at my–or someone else’s–witty writing. It’s a writer thing, and I probably have Piers Anthony’s Xanth series to blame; I devoured every book I could buy by him in high school, finally stopping around book #24, The Dastard. Seems like more have come out though, but I’ve outgrown his writing.

So it’s a good thing I love puns because otherwise…Dragon Quest IX would be nearly unbearable. It’s safe to say that the tiny DS cartridge is bloated with puns, both good and bad, and they are around every corner, whether it’s a town’s name (::cough cough:: Alltrades Abbey ::cough::) or people like Edwinn and Erinn, inn runners and Inny winners, or even at the very beginning of the story, at a place called Angel Falls, whereat the main character, an angel, falls down to after some havoc happens up above.

Where the puns really come out in full zombie mode though are with the monsters. An RPG has to have monsters to battle, and there’s a lot here, the majority pun-heavy. Some are better than others, and yes, I’ll openly admit that many are big ol’ groaners. But there’s a few that make me smile each and every time I run into them. Let’s review, shall we?

5. Cruelcumber

Oh my goodness! Just look at it! I want to hug it and smother it with love and then slice it into a dozen pieces for my salad and tuna fish sammich. It has a goofy look, sure, but it also has the best death animation. The Cruelcumber bounces onto its back, spear flying high into the air and then piercing its vegetable heart. But yeah, plant-based monsters really do get the pick of the crop…when it comes to puns. Nyuck nyuck nyuck!

4. Sacksquatch

I couldn’t find a picture of this monster online, sadly. Basically, it’s a sack, like a sack of grain or flour, and it is spewing life from a huge hole in its body. I guess it is its mouth, but it does kind of resemble a certain mysterious beast of the forest.

3. Betterfly

Betterfly is a stronger version of Batterfly, a monster modeled after a butterfly. It’s an easy pun, yes, but it works. I mean, you can’t go around calling butterfly monsters things like Evil Butterfly or Death-from-Abovefly or 666erfly. Just doesn’t work. Alas, there is no Bitterfly in the game. I checked.

2. Cyclown

It’s a clown-like monster cycloning its way over to kill you. Come to think about it, that’s actually quite terrifying. Run!

1. Knocktopus

No picture found, but it isn’t anything special to look at. Just another octopus monster you’ll fight once you get a boat and start heading for open waters. But this punny name makes sense. I mean, they have eight arms…there’s bound to be some knocking around when words no longer settle arguments. A later cousin monster is, embarrassingly, called Shocktopus, which I won’t even touch upon.

Runner-ups include: Badboon, Salamarauder, Zumeanie, Bewarewolf, and Expload

To see a whole bunch of monster art, visit the official Dragon Quest IX Nintendo website.

Top 5 Most Anticipated Games in 2010

Ah, 2009 is drawing to a close. It’s been an interesting one, filled with lots of games and excitement, as well as some disappointment. This was the year that I finally got an Xbox 360 and moved into the current generation, playing games that were mostly released one or two years ago. Oh well. I’m not rich, and we all know it. Besides, sometimes it is fun playing catch up.

But 2010 looms, and here’s the top five games I’m most looking forward to:

5. Final Fantasy XIII

If you haven’t heard, there’s a new Final Fantasy game coming out. Also, if you haven’t heard, then chances are you’re probably dead. Or undead. One of those. Anyways, this one looks amazingly flashy and kind of a bit like Final Fantasy VIII in some ways. It has a more science fiction tone to it than actual…fantasy. The fact that it’s coming to multiple platforms is great, and I’m definitely intrigued by a lot of the screenshots/videos that have surfaced. Battles look intense. I just worry that it is far too linear because I loved how much freedom the player was given in Final Fantasy XII, and to lose such a thing would be like taking seven steps back.

4. LEGO Harry Potter: Years 1-4

This has the potential to be my favorite mash-up of LEGOs and something else. Reports say that a lot of the camera issues have been fixed in LEGO Indiana Jones 2 so hopefully they brought that over in this one. Exploring Hogwarts is sure to be a blast, and even though it only covers the first four books there’s bound to be tons of stuff to do, collect, and see, all while casting a few spells. I’m sure this’ll be yet another LEGO game that flares up my OCD. Stay tuned for that.

3. Fable III

Fable II taunted us with lots of promises, and the game turned out to be…pretty good. Not great, not stellar, not the end-all, be-all. Just pretty good (with lackluster DLC). But that’s okay because there’s a sequel in the works, and this time you’ll play the ruler of all the land. Are you going to be a kind king or an evil queen? That’s up to you. Hopefully the consequences from these choices drastically affect those around you…otherwise, it’ll just be the same ol’, same ol’, but with slightly new clothes. Still, I’m looking forward to it because the humor of Fable II still sits in the back of my mind, chuckling to itself, and I really enjoyed a lot of my time in Albion. The combat, however, could use a little more spunk, as could the menu system. Actually, I have a long list of things that could be better, but nonetheless I’m looking forward to seeing how this turns out.

2. The Scott Pilgrim videogame

I absolutely love this graphic novel series, and considering how stuffed it is with videogame mentions and adorations it is only perfect that it’s becoming a videogame itself. My hope is that it’ll be a 2D side-scroller, something of a throwback to Mario or Sonic or even Streets of Rage, but truthfully…I’ll be happy with whatever it is. Glad to know that there’s even input from Bryan Lee O’Malley, the series creator, which gives me hope. Will probably release around the same time as the motion picture. And maybe there will be a “hot coffee” moment starring Kim Pine? Maybe? Man, I’m creepy.

1. Fallout: New Vegas

Mmm…more Fallout. Granted, Fallout: New Vegas is not being made by Bethesda, but I have confidence it’ll be designed in the same mold (and greatness) of Fallout 3. Plus, Nevada is a great setting, considering there’s plenty of desert to explore, and I can only imagine the Vegas Strip destroyed, the hundreds of slot machines in ruins, the ghoul hookers looking for a nightcap and a bite. So long as this one has just as many options and freedom, I’m buying it the day it’s released, something I rarely ever do.

What games are you most looking forward to in 2010?

Do not feed the trolls

It seems that this post is getting a ton of hits and incoming links so it is only natural that the next step would be…troll comments. You know of them, I’m sure. They consist mostly of flame attacks and nastiness, serving no point whatsoever except to possibly illicit anger out of the author of said post. Luckily, I hold the power here and I don’t get mad easily. So I have to smile big and wide knowing that after these hateful sacks of sadness and anonymity typed up their lengthy diatribe they saw the following: Your comment is awaiting moderation.

Now, I don’t want to give trolls too much credit here, but they have to know that their comment will never see the light of day. Let’s all laugh at that, shall we? Unless you’re a troll. Then no one will hear your piggy guffaws.

The Top Five Sequels I’m Not Interested In

What? My second list already?

Yes, people. This is what chaos looks like. Enjoy this list of game titles with the number 2 at the end…

5. Left 4 Dead 2

I’m no good at shooters. I’m just as no good at horror games where the littlest of things make me jump. Hence, I was never meant to excel at shooting frenetic zombies, and this sequel looks to be more of the same.

4. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

Oh hey, look! Another shooter where you shoot things…just like you did in that first game where you shot things!

3. Bioshock 2

I’m still late to the party when it concerns Bioshock, which is a story-driven adventure, a solo game, all about immersion. Seems like the sequel is adding in multiplayer…why? Because that’s what people demand now in every game? Seems forced.

2. Mass Effect 2

I’ll admit that I greatly enjoyed Mass Effect though I’ve only been able to play through it once despite its design for multiple run-throughs. Truthfully, the storyline isn’t that captivating nor does it differ terribly based on who I play as and how I play them. That’s pretty much going to be the same with Mass Effect 2 and rumor has it Shepherd is biting it in this murky middle. Meh.

1. Assassin’s Creed 2

Repetition, repetition, repetition. Good for learning a new language, horrible for a videogame. And this is something that Assassin’s Creed suffered from greatly. Switching scenery might fool me at first, and giving Altair the power to, y’know, swim is nice, but I get the feeling that this one will not have learned from its mistakes and will just be more climbing, more running, and more stealth kills. Plus, I’m still totally bitter about the first game’s “ending”…

And there you have it. Feel free to argue, but it’s pointless. These are games I’m not interested in; your wants and desires will surely vary.